Empty Room
by JoyfulMariska
Summary: A collection of scenes we didn't see in the SaveBenson Saga - "Surrender Benson," "Psycho/Therapist," "Beast's Obsession," and "Post-Mortem Blues."
1. Chapter 1

**These scenes are a collection in no particular order. I write and post missing scenes from various episodes when they come to my mind. There is no timeline, but I will state which episode the scene is from at the beginning of every chapter. Here's to uncovering mysteries.**

* * *

**Surrender Benson**

Nick answered his phone as he and Fin drove back toward the precinct from the barricades to and from Long Island. They were no closer to finding Olivia, further discouraged by the fact that she had been missing for over four days.

He reached into the center console to answer the number he didn't recognize. "Detective Amaro."

The exhaustion taking over his body was so intense he could hardly find the energy to speak. Every emotion he was previously capable of feeling had long been abandoned. Now he was as numb as he possibly could be, wishing to remain that way. It was easier not to feel.

However, when he heard the voice of the woman on the other end of the call, those feelings returned all at once.

"Nick. Nick I need backup at 598 Hollow Road, Sound Beach. He's down."

It was Olivia - what was left of her. The voice was somehow familiar, yet almost unrecognizable. Even so, he knew who it was immediately.

"Liv! Olivia, are you ok?" He need to know that she wasn't calling as she sat mortally wounded.

"Send paramedics in first. He's down." She didn't answer his question.

"We're on our way, Liv. Hold on. Just stay on the line with me, ok."

He gripped the phone until his knuckles were white.

Nick was discouraged and still relieved by the silence on the other end. It meant she really was alone. Lewis wasn't luring them into a trap. Olivia held the phone, her steady breathing audible only every once and a while. She said nothing, and he didn't push her to. His foot pressed on the gas, taking the car swiftly toward the closest interstate exit to turn around.

Fin held the handle above him as he looked over. He kept his voice low. "It's Liv?!" The feelings surged back into his throat as his heart began to pound violently against his chest.

Nick took the exit and then hopped back on the interstate, headed back to the island.

"Yeah. Says Lewis is down. Call for backup. Get SWAT to standby. We need paramedics." Nick nodded, fear morphing to quiet anger and desperation in his voice.

Fin didn't question him, plucking the speaker device from the dash.

"Detective Odafin Tutuola, Manhattan SVU requesting backup at 589 Hollow Road, Sound Beach, Long Island. SWAT and EMS requested." He held the speaker as he waited for a response.

Nick didn't have to look at his speedometer to know he was going way over the speed limit. He had to get to his partner. He had to know she was ok.

_"Copy. Backup's on the way."_

* * *

Olivia heard the car's tires over the rocks as she sat on the floor, her back against the wall. Lewis was in front of her, uncuffed after she'd gotten him free, beaten to a pulp. He was out cold, and Olivia did nothing but look at him blankly. She couldn't do anything else.

She let her head rest against the wall as she tried to fight off unconsciousness. It was a never-ending struggle she'd battled in for four days. Her head pounded, stinging and aching at the same time, mimicking exactly what every nerve in her body did. Deep pain echoed within her bones, the very frame of her being. Even deeper pain reverberated in the very depth of her mind, her thoughts, her emotions.

Even if she had the mental drive to stand, she was unsure her legs would hold her. Her arms felt like they were aflame as the burns and cuts, glowing bright red, tried to heal themselves. The bones in her wrist sent shooting pains up her arm and down every finger of her left hand, no doubt shattered. The pain in her ribs alerted her to a more serious injury. With the difficulty she felt taking deep breaths, she knew also that her ribs had been josteled too hard. All of her body had been.

Her eyes remained closed as the heard the door of the house open.

* * *

Nick pulled into the vacant driveway with anxiety that threatened to eat him alive. Fin felt exactly the same as they both stared at the desolate structure nestled alone ashore the overcast bay.

"I'm going to go in." Nick turned the car off and then stepped out where a steady rain had begun to come down.

He touched his gun absentmindedly, silently picturing what he might find within the isolated home. Every image he pictured frightened him a bit more. Fin could hardly stand up as he held the car door to support his weight upon his legs as he swayed on his feet.

The two vehicles that pulled in behind them were alive with flashing lights. One was an ambulance, the other a squad car from a nearby precinct. Paramedics jumped out of the ambulance.

"Perp is down. Get him out first. I'll find the detective." Nick told them.

"You're sure it's clear?" One of them questioned him.

"Detective Benson knows what she's doing. It's clear." His emotions came out in explosive anger. Of course Lewis was down. But he had to see it first. He had to be the one to see his partner first.

The paramedics slung bags over their shoulders and grabbed the stretcher from the back, about to head in as more backup arrived on site.

Nick looked up at them. "Just wait. I'll go first."

"You coming?" Nick turned to Fin.

Fin felt the butterflies in his stomach begin to leap into his bloodstream. He swallowed and shook his head.

"I can't." That was all he had to say. The occupants of the squad car stayed outside upon Nick's request. They stood together as the paramedics awaited Nick at the door.

Nick put a hand on his fellow detective's shoulder and then jumped into motion. He jogged to the door where the paramedics were, taking a look back out to the bay, holding the doorknob in his hand before going in. Movement came from deep within the house, and he held his gun in his hand while he weaved into the hallway and encountered another.

He stopped. "Liv?" The tone he used was full of caution. A voice inside his head screamed at him to leave. It took everything he had to continue forward toward the scene that he knew would break him.

"He's down, Nick. In here." His partner's voice came from a room at the end of the hall.

When Nick stepped into the room, he noticed how his partner, sitting on the floor, flinched violently. She held up her hand to fend off a blow as if it was an instinct. Looking almost ashamed, she let it fall to the floor again, the phone still lying beside her. Quickly, Nick holstered his weapon and took a look at the scene that lay before him. His feet had turned into cement blocks. He couldn't move. Paramedics bumped him as he could do nothing but stare. They hoisted Lewis' still body onto the stretcher after checking his pulse, leaving the room before he was even strapped in.

Just inside the doorframe, Nick was stopped, frozen. What an empty room, an empty room full of distress. There she was, the woman they'd all searched for endlessly - the one whose face he'd seen in the winks of sleep he'd caught the past three nights. She sat on the floor, blood smeared on her arms, chest, and face. When she looked up, he saw the darkness in her eyes. Something about that look snapped him back into motion again. He walked as quickly as he could to her side and crouched down in front of her.

"You alright, Liv?" His voice was soft, just soft enough to keep the shooting pains in her head from getting worse.

Olivia reached out and put her hand around Nick's arm. She had to make sure he was real.

"Yeah." She sighed as heavily as her ribs would allow, realizing he was really there in front of her.

Nick covered her hand with his own resting on his knee before reaching out to push her hair from her face. He examined the gash in her head, the split in her lip, the bruises already beginning to form. It made him so sick he thought he might puke. And at the same time it made him so angry he thought he'd explode.

"God, Liv." He whispered in utter shock.

He couldn't stop the words from falling out. "I'm so sorry."

Olivia used the last of her reserved energy to reach up and take his hand away from her face and shake her head. "I'll live." It was like the breath of the wind, so soft he could hear the very pain in it. Everything she'd endured the previous four days spilled out in just two words. She tried her hardest to offer him a reassuring smile, but it was nothing but a grimace.

Nick could see the pain radiating from her broken body. Every inch of her was covered in perspiration, mingling easily with the blood that still seeped from her fresh wounds. Her arms had patterns of lacerations and burns, her shirt torn and singed. Every injury he saw pushed a pin farther into his heart.

Her eye was already blackening, her wrists bruising badly. No doubt Lewis had restrained her with the handcuffs lying on the ground - handcuffs that she wore on her belt as she protected the city. The pain in her eyes revealed the darkness she'd experienced in four day's time. It killed him that those same eyes he'd looked into almost every day for the last three years had changed. Olivia Benson was different.

"Please - sit." She knew she couldn't stand yet. She needed time to breathe before another assault began - one instigated by the paramedics, the press, the other officers.

It didn't even look like his partner in front of him, but Nick did what she asked. Needing to keep the reality of him close, Olivia moved her hand so he could keep it in his. She couldn't lose her line to the real world while she closed her eyes. The pains running through her wrist and hand were dulled by the comfort of Nick's hand.

She knew what awaited her outside that house, and she wasn't ready to face it just yet. Nick supported the weight of her body, relief filling him, trying to push the sickness from him. She leaned against him heavily. He took every bit of weight she had been carrying alone.

"I thought you weren't going to get here in time." She whispered, unable to let her brain keep suffering from an onslaught of unspoken feelings.

"Neither did I." Nick confessed just as quietly.

Olivia turned her head to look straight into his eyes. "I look like hell."

Even in the oppression of the room, she lifted his spirits a little. Even with the small smile of relief on their hearts, neither one of them could even hint at a smile.

"Never." Nick assured her.

The anxious feeling he held in his heart made him stand up again, taking her hand.

"Come on." He helped her to her feet, where she unsteadily stood for a bit.

He held her around the shoulders as he kept telling himself _"it's over. She's ok._"

Olivia didn't walk, but instead hugged her partner - tighter than she thought she was capable of. Nick wrapped his arms around her, wary of hurting her, but letting her know his comfort as he embraced her. The relief was tangible in the room. Maybe she wasn't ok, but she was alive.

His fingers caught a tear in her shirt, and he touched the torn skin beneath. As he stepped away from the hug, he held her hand in front of them both to steady her, and they walked toward the door. Olivia's heart raced as she heard the noises outside of more vehicles arriving, more voices. She didn't want them seeing her like that, especially other detectives. She was broken; she was in pain. They would know it the moment she stepped into view.

Nick felt the hesitation in Olivia's body as he reached for a blanket hanging over the couch in the living room. Holding it with his free hand, they both reached the door. He was the first to leave, pushing it open and letting her step out into the open where Mother Nature continued her wet onslaught of the island.

Nick stopped and let the blanket drape over Olivia's shoulders. Both of her hands remained extended, too painful to lower as she stared at the NYPD personnel staring back at her. The looks they gave her let her know what they were thinking. She'd worked so long to gain respect for her strength in the department, and that one moment was tearing it down. The help Nick offered with the blanket didn't affect her at all.

When his gaze returned to his partner, he could see her mind racing. "It's over now, Liv." He whispered to her.

Maybe if he said it enough times, she'd believe it. Maybe if he repeated it again, _he'd_ believe it. Her legs moved in sync with Nick's, and they both stopped when Fin came up to them. The knife already in his gut was wrenched sideways as he looked at the woman he'd so long worked with and grown to love like family. She was bloody and bruised, seemingly smaller than she used to be. Her face was so dark with exhaustion and discomfort that Fin thought his breath was never going to return to his lungs.

He hated to give her the news he had to. "He's still alive." The terror in Olivia's eyes was evident to him once the words left Fin's mouth.

Her nerves began to panic again. "I don't know how."

The adrenaline her body ran on was leaving rapidly, and it showed in the shaking that her voice did. That voice didn't belong to her. Fin and Nick didn't recognize it at all. The woman standing before them seemed like a person neither one of them had ever met.

Fin assured her with a nod. "You did what you had to do."

The words didn't even seem to get through to Olivia as she stared down at Fin, her world frozen again.

"Let's get you out of here." Nick gently moved a little to try and get her to follow.

When she didn't, he tried to ignore the shattering his heart did for the hundredth time in a mere five minutes.

He tried harder to get her attention the second time. "Come on, Liv. Let's get you out of here."

As Fin reached for her, Olivia felt her legs move beneath her. Every raindrop on her face reminded her of her existence. Shewas _alive._

Nick led his partner to the second ambulance on the scene; he saw the same look of panic in her face as they stood together.

He whispered in her ear gently, unmoving as he kept his hands on her shoulders. "I'll go with. I'll be right here."

And he would be. She believed him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Surrender Benson**

Nick was holding Olivia's hand as the paramedics prodded her skin with needles, trying to get fluids into her deflated veins. She didn't even seem to react to the pain, which scared Nick to the core. Her body seemingly had long since gone numb. One of the men held a flashlight and shined it in her eyes, directing her to look up at him.

"Pupils aren't reacting properly. How many blows to the head did you suffer?"

It angered Nick that someone could act so emotionless toward Olivia. He was asking her if she'd been hit over the head as if he was asking about what she did over the weekend. Her eyes didn't meet Nick's again, but she looked up to answer.

"More than once." She replied softly, a deep swallow following the words that managed to claw their way out of the sand trap within her mouth.

"I think there's a good chance we're dealing with a pretty severe concussion." The second medic answered.

Olivia nodded like she already knew. She did know.

"We're going to just wrap your arms for now - prevent infection." Both paramedics in the vehicle were men, and it made Olivia even more uncomfortable. Nick had to let go of her hand to let them wrap her arm.

"I think - my wrist is broken." She held in a hiss as the wrap extended downward.

"We'll get it X-rayed as soon as we get you to the hospital." The older man answered.

Olivia closed her eyes as they wrapped her arms with soft cloth that felt like sandpaper. The pain brought back the image of Lewis' face in front of hers as he burned her, as he cut her. Nick saw her go back in time. He took her hand and looked up at the paramedic above him to get a look of approval. The man nodded, and Nick leaned into Olivia.

"Liv. Stay here." He said quietly.

Olivia opened her eyes as the wraps on her arms were secured. When the mask for increased oxygen was placed over her head, Olivia's first reaction was to reach up and rip it off. It was restrictive, oppressive.

Nick put his other hand on hers. "You're ok." He repeated in a whisper.

Olivia closed her eyes for the rest of the ride, confident that her partner wouldn't let anything else happen to her.

* * *

Brian jogged into the hospital emergency room after receiving the call. He met Munch and Cragen standing alongside Amanda in the room.

"She's not here yet." The captain put a hand out to hopefully calm Brian's frantic soul. He wore panic in his expression.

As if on cue, the doors of the ambulance entrance opened, two paramedics accompanied by Nick rolling a stretcher into the room. The three people waiting in the room turned, frozen with their mouths open. It was as if time had suddenly shifted to half speed.

Brian saw the woman he loved in slow motion, every second of it physically painful. Her arms, though wrapped, were obviously bleeding. The red seeping through the bandages while her arms lay at her side made him sick. The huge gash on her head sent nails through his brain. The mask on her face made it impossible for her to speak to him, but it looked like she wouldn't have been able to get the energy to speak anyways. Her eye was blackened, her lip split. Brian swallowed hard. The look in her dark eyes scared him. They seemed to be begging him to do something.

Using what she had left, Olivia lifted her hand only a little. Brian knew what it meant. He was at her side, her hand in his as she stared up at him. Nick held her other hand as they moved the stretcher beyond the doors of the waiting room. When the paramedics stopped in a large room, unstrapping Olivia. Nick let go of her hand after squeezing it gently.

"You're going to be ok." He whispered, forcing a small smile. Then he stood up straight, putting a supportive hand on Brian's shoulder. The two men had butted heads before, but they had to come together again for a woman that they both cared for deeply.

Brian thanked the detective silently, and Nick left the room. The paramedics left the room after announcing the doctor and nurses would be in as soon as they could. The hospital was jammed, so busy that even in her condition, the paramedics had to get back on the roads without leaving a doctor.

Olivia weakly lifted the oxygen mask off of her face.

"I'm glad you're here." She couldn't hardly whisper. Her body was empty: no food or water for days, the only thing going into her body having been drugs and alcohol.

Brian couldn't even smile. He tried, but he couldn't. When Olivia saw the tear slip from his eyes, her heart broke. He shook his head.

"I'm so sorry." His voice broke more than once. Olivia felt her own tear sliding down the side of her face into her hairline as she lay on her back.

She'd never felt what she was feeling then. She had lived, and now she got another chance to look into the face of the person that had been there for her for all the years she needed him. Lewis had told her she'd never make it out alive, but she had.

Olivia let the emotions go at last, closing her eyes and feeling tear after tear roll down her face. Brian just held her hand, unable to wrap her in the hug he wished he could offer. Olivia didn't say anything else. She opened her swimming eyes and looked at the man she thought she'd never see again. He hadn't run away when the going got tough.

Brian let the next tear fall from his eye as he leaned down to her and gave her a soft kiss. Olivia felt comfort in his kiss, unlike the revulsion she'd experienced with Lewis. Despite the split in her lip, she kissed him back. Her lips trembled against him. When he leaned up a little ways from her face, Brian tenderly put the oxygen mask back over her mouth and nose. She didn't protest, but instead spoke again.

"Don't leave me." Her weak voice came to his ears again.

"I won't." He replied quietly. He added the phrase that he knew he meant. "I promise."

* * *

Nick arrived back in the waiting room where Fin now joined the three other members of the team. They turned to look at him with agonizingly curious faces, craving information.

"Is she ok?" Amanda was exasperated. The brief glimpse she'd had of Olivia had been enough to scare her, and not enough to convince her that she was ok.

Nick didn't answer right away. "She will be." He thought it the safest way to reply.

"Her wrist is broken - she has a lot of -" he stopped, his voice wavering too much for him to continue. He didn't know how to say it. Olivia's body was a crime scene, a surface littered with burns and cuts.

"- he burned her. He used a knife too." Nick changed the sentence so that it was possible for him to form words.

"And she killed Lewis?" Cragen jumped in.

Fin and Nick both pictured the pulp of a man that had been rolled out of the house.

"She beat the hell out of him - but he was alive when they took him to Bellevue." Fin took over speaking, seeing what a toll it took on Nick.

Munch swallowed in an attempt to settle the burning in his chest. It felt like someone had reached in and tore at his heart. "So what now?" He spoke up.

Captain Cragen took a deep breath. "We wait."

* * *

Brian stayed by Olivia's side while the doctor and nurses cleaned the burns and cuts on her arms and face. He held her hand as nurse took her blood, Olivia propped up on the table with a bandage on her head. And though broke his heart, he stayed by her side when she experienced what she had to for standard procedure.

The rape kit alone took two hours, two grueling, destructive hours. Brian could tell by the grimaces and awful looks she was trying to hide that it hurt her physically and mentally more than she could say. He didn't even know if Lewis had gone that far, and he wasn't going to ask. Olivia would tell him when she wanted him to know.

The tough hours wound down into the dark night. The only time in four hours that Brian let go of Olivia's hand was when she had to be X-rayed for broken ribs and her wrist. He watched, floating on a bubble of numbed pain. His mind had acted on its own, shutting down everything in him to feel nothing. It helped, but would crumble eventually. He was sure that Olivia's body had done the same thing.

The examination finished with a wrap placed around her torso to keep her cracked ribs in place. Her arm was set in a removable cast to hold her wrist still. The burns and cuts in her arms were neatly bandaged with tiny, individual white bandages to hold them together to heal. The deeper ones were stitched up and bandaged as well.

Olivia was sitting up on the table as Brian stood next to her again. She gave him a look of exhaustion and desperation. Those eyes were the ones he'd looked into every day for the past two years, but something in them had changed. Of course they had changed. She'd been subjected to the worst kind of pain there was - degradation.

Olivia, feeling so violated, did not speak unless asked to answer the doctor's questions. There was nothing she wouldn't do to get herself out from under the watchful eye of people who didn't even know her. Anything except go back to that house, that man.

"Olivia." Brian squeezed her hand when he saw she wasn't listening to the doctor as she spoke to the both of them.

"Sorry." She mumbled.

The doctor shook her head. "That's alright." She glanced at her clipboard. "With your fractured ribs and concussion, we'd like to keep you overnight, just to be safe."

Olivia felt her heart fall farther into the abyss of her broken body. "Ok." She replied, not loud enough to be called a whisper.

"I'll have one of the nurses take you upstairs."

Brian sensed Olivia's discomfort. "No. I can do it." He jumped in.

The doctor paused a moment, but nodded. "I'll bring in a wheelchair." She disappeared, and then came back in with the item she'd promised.

"To room 340. Elevators are just around the corner." She put a hand on Olivia's shoulder silently before leaving without another word.

Brian put an arm around Olivia as he helped her down from the table and into the chair.

"Thank you." She was still so quiet.

He wheeled her into the elevator, neither of them saying anything. Their ride up to the third floor was silent. Olivia's body throbbed from the prodding she'd been through while images flashed in her mind. She wouldn't be sleeping at all.

Brian watched her from above her, seeing only her head and the wounds on her arms that tortured him. He wished it could be him. He wished he could take that agony away from her.

Olivia held in her lap the bag of fluids that fed into her system as the elevator doors opened and Brian took her down the hall toward where her room was. The room was as dreary as any hospital room. Brian stopped and took a moment to look up and around him.

Olivia got out of the chair herself.

"Whoa - hey let me help."

She didn't accept his hand of assistance, but instead she hugged him as tightly as she could with one arm. Brian was surprised at first, but wrapped his arms around her, wary of hurting her. Olivia couldn't cry anymore, but if she had been able to, she would have.

"I'm going to be ok." She whispered in his ear. And Brian believed her.

He nodded gently against her as her cheek rested on his. "I know." Another tear of his fell onto her shoulder. "I'm just glad you're still here."

she paused to swallow before saying the words she thought she might never get to say. Her whisper was smooth. "I love you."

And as Brian held her, he too realized that he still had her to love, to hold. "I love you too, Liv."


	3. Chapter 3

**Post-Mortem Blues**

Nick and Fin walked with her up the stairs to her apartment the day she was released from the hospital. Lewis had had his final encounter with her, ending his own life before her eyes. Nick entered first, offering her something to drink. It was the only thing he could find words for. She didn't say anything back to him, but to Fin after he asked about Cassidy.

"I spoke with him already." She assured him with a nod.

"He coming over?" Fin just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to be alone. He couldn't let anything happen to her again, not after she'd dodged death for another time, all too many for a single person in a lifetime.

"I'm fine, Fin." Her concise reply made him sure that Brian wasn't to be brought up again. She had been able to handle it, and she wanted them to butt out.

Even after pausing in the silence, the word "fine" echoed in the two men's minds. They both knew for sure that she wasn't fine. There was no way anyone could be fine after going through what she had.

Nick brought her a glass of cold water, suggesting what he thought was best.

"Well - one of us can stay." He sat down opposite her.

She looked exhausted, overwhelmed. Her eyes were black as opposed to their usual warm brown.

"I appreciate it - but I just - I think I just need some quiet." She situated herself to a comfortable position on the couch, swallowing hard.

Nick couldn't leave her. There was no way she'd be staying alone that night. He discreetly nodded at Fin.

"Rest up, Liv." Fin correctly interpreted the glance he was given by Nick, and then left without another word. He left the apartment feeling confident that Olivia was going to be ok. Maybe not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day. But she would be ok.

Olivia's gaze locked on Nick's again after Fin had left. "And what about you?" She asked quietly, her voice having changed in an way that wasn't noticeable to anyone but the ones who knew her best.

Nick gave her a small smile. "I don't make much noise. You won't even know I'm here."

He felt his smile quickly erased as he tried to read her expression. Olivia wanted to shake the trembling in her throat, but there was nothing she could do about it. Her voice was one soon to yield tears.

"Thank you." It was nothing but the breath of air. He couldn't know how much his presence meant to her.

She laid back on the couch and closed her eyes, waiting for the first curtain of darkness to begin replaying her worst nightmare: the nightmare she'd lived. Nick watched from the kitchen as sleep claimed her body. He poured himself a glass of water, hoping she'd be able to fend off the nightmares. She couldn't.

:::

_His hands were on her, all over her. Every inch of her body was touched by him, all privacy lost. His lips were on hers as her body went rigid on the table. Then the cool metal of the gun was on her head. It was in her hand, icing her skin right through to the bone. Her finger tightened on the trigger. She awaited the last flash of her life. Then she felt the trigger click - so close to the end of her life. His smile as he put the gun to his own head made her skin crawl. Then the words came back to her. _

_"Death is not something to be afraid of, Olivia." _

_And she had known that when she'd gone in. She hadn't thought about the repercussions, what he'd do to her. When she'd commandeered the town car, she hadn't been afraid of death because she hadn't been thinking about it. When she had the gun to her head, her fear resurfaced._

:::

Nick felt the water drop into his tense throat. The days had been so stressful, between the initial escape and then Olivia's disappearance. He closed his eyes. He had been so afraid that he would actually have to say goodbye to his partner, that she would give her life to take Lewis down. He knew that she had gone to end it. And he knew what that had meant.

The silent patter of a nighttime rain was the only sound filling his ears. He felt that he needed to do more for her, but he didn't know what or how. Olivia had looked so exhausted when they'd walked out of the the hospital. It looked like it took all of the energy she had left just to blink. Her movements had been slow and stiff.

Had Lewis gone that far? Had he taken every last bit of what Olivia protected every day?

He would wait until she told him. He wouldn't go looking for answers, not like the last time.

Olivia's eyes flew open when Lewis' finger pulled the trigger. She didn't know she'd made a sound, but the terrified cry had traveled through the stale air like a bullet. Nick dropped his glass on the counter and ran to the couch. She was clutching her chest as she sat up. She could feel how wide her eyes were.

Nick knelt down next to her and reached for her hand. When he touched it, Olivia's eyes flickered to his as she squeezed back tightly. Her heartbeat sounded within her head as she tried to grip reality and exist the arms beckoning her backward. As her lifeline, she held Nick's hand and looked straight into his soft eyes. In that moment, she was so glad he'd stayed. As her breathing slowed, she whispered.

"I'm sorry." She hadn't meant to scare him. She hated startling him.

Nick shook his head. "They happen. It's ok. You're safe." He reassured her, even with the pain of seeing her reeling.

He'd had to watch her battle PTSD for longer than anyone should have to. After Lewis' first attack, the flashbacks took her by force. Then when the trial rolled around, Olivia suffered a terrible backwards stumble when her attacker got another chance to assault her in the worst way - within her head, infiltrating her thoughts. She'd just been starting to regain confidence in the fading nightmares and images when Lewis got his last dance with her, tearing it all down again. It would be a long road back.

Olivia situated her gaze straight forward as she left her hand in Nick's. "I can still feel him - on me."

She needed to say something about it. Her partner could help her bear the weight. "It's like he never left."

The sound of thunder rolling steadily through the evening was the only thing to occupy the silence.

Nick swallowed again, giving her hand a squeeze. "He's gone now, Liv. I know that even if you don't believe it now, you will."

Olivia looked back at him again, thankful for his words. She knew more than anyone that she'd get to that point, that she would get better. But she also knew she had a hard fight ahead of her.

"Nick -" There was a hesitation. Nick put his other hand on hers.

She went on. "When I became a cop, I never knew I was signing on for this."

Everything, even her bones were weary. Everything she'd thought about being the protector, finally taking care of herself, turned out to hit her a lot harder than she ever knew it would. Actually, it ended up nearly killing her. Sometimes she wished it would have.

She let her words fall from her mouth before even thinking. Nick hadn't run away the first time, so she was convinced he was going to stay by her through the recovery of this ordeal.

Nick gave her a sad smile as he sat down with his back against the coffee table, her hand remaining enclosed in his. She let her honesty take over again. She was thinking out loud. If she'd seen what was coming to her, if she - as a young woman, ready to become an officer of the law - had seen what was going to happen, she wouldn't have done it. Would she? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

"Maybe I never should have done it." Her whisper was almost too breathy to hear.

Nick let the thought sink in. "Where would I be if you hadn't?" He said softly.

Olivia reflected the smile he offered, taking in the feeling of being needed. People_ did_ care. No matter how alone she felt, she never actually was alone.

"If you could go back, would you make the same decision - to become a cop?" Nick asked.

She didn't have to hesitate. Her heart knew what she was going to answer. "Yes I would. A thousand times if I had to."

Her reply gave him chills. Even with the pain she suffered and was still suffering, with all the atrocities life had thrown at her by way of the police force, she would be ready and willing to go back and take the oath again. What a sacrifice. What a hero. Olivia, in those confident words, was reminded what her purpose was.

"Would you?" She challenged, curious to find his.

Nick nodded. "Absolutely."

With one hand gripping reality, Olivia relaxed, leaned back into the couch, and fell back into sleep's arms. She wasn't on the journey alone. She never had been. She never would be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Post-Mortem Blues**

Olivia fought to maintain her composure when, like in her nightmares, Lewis appeared out of the darkness. The only difference was that this time, it was real. As he raised his gun to her, she put her hands up in surrender. Her face throbbed every time her heart beat. She couldn't say anything.

This was the end. She was done living in fear. One or both of them wouldn't walk out alive. That was already through her mind. She fought the flashbacks, biting her tongue painfully. She couldn't lose her grip, or she would pay for it with her life. Lewis smiled at her.

"What do you want?" She kept her voice steady. He continued to approach her. There was no turning back.

"Your gun." He lunged forward and tore her gun from her holster.

She didn't hear what he said after that. It might have been about the girl - young Amelia. She didn't know. Everything, every sound, every beam of light was bent beyond recognition on its way through to her senses. She was using all the energy she had to fend off images from time past.

Olivia did hear him tell her to turn around. Having no other choice, she made herself vulnerable. He yanked her ponytail out, then reaching and tearing her vest off, tossing it where her gun had gone. She felt more exposed, although she knew that the vest was going to do nothing to defend her against him anyway. Then his hands were on her. She breathed slowly as he slid down her legs, missing no square inch of her lower region. He would be taking it all this time - maybe not now, but eventually.

"No drop gun. Good girl." He proceeded to toss her cell, the last connection she had to the people who could save her. She was on her own. He sent chills down her spin when he grabbed another object from her.

"I think I'll keep the radio. This way they can hear you scream while they're looking for you."

The cool metal of cuffs clamped around her wrist as he spun her around. What her mind rapidly imagined was enough to push her blood pressure to dangerous levels. She swayed as her vision came in and out of focus. He backed her toward the car.

"Let's go for a ride."

The odd sense of relief she felt when he shut the door and left her in the backseat seemed to be inexplicable. She wasn't safe, but she didn't want him near to her. She didn't want him to touch her again.

The car moved through the city. She avoided his gaze in the mirror, instead taking in every detail of her surroundings. If she had a chance, she would call her attack in. But she had to know where she was if she wanted help. He began to talk again, like he loved. It was so easy for him to get inside her head.

"You know - I've been waiting a long time for this." He threw a sickened feeling into Olivia's stomach as she tried to block him out. She couldn't.

"I thought about you every night." He didn't mind admitting it, only because he knew she had through about him every night too. Unfortunately, his was by choice. Her frightening nightmares came unwelcomed, unwanted. He established that horrible connection again.

"And when we get there -" she found herself staring into his eyes, gleaming with a smile "- we're going to pick up where we left off."

It was a violent shudder Olivia experienced as she shut her eyes, consciously taking deep breaths as beads of sweat spotted her hairline. This was what she had to do. She was going to save that little girl no matter what it took. Lewis wouldn't ruin another life - especially a life so young. Amelia's was the life she had come to save, not her own.

Olivia's eyes darted between the side windows and the windshield. They were leaving Manhattan's lights for Brooklyn's. Olivia had a moment of hope. Bridge and tunnel cameras would keep the records. When her team discovered her missing, they would know she'd left Manhattan.

When Lewis took an exit off the main road, he smiled back again. "Let's park for a bit, shall we?"

Olivia's heart leapt into her throat and then dropped suddenly to the bottom of her feet. The area was run-down, low-lit. It all scared her to the point where her entire body physically trembled. The car rolled to a stop where a small back parking lot sat. The dim lights of a nearby convenience store mingled in the dead air. He got out, checked her cuffs to make sure she was bound to the door, and gave her a grin.

"Sit tight." Then he was gone.

Where were they going? Was Amelia even still alive?

Olivia shuffled the cuffs. She couldn't reach the door handle. Even if she could, she couldn't attempt overpowering Lewis - not now. If she killed him, she might never find Amelia. If he killed her, she realized, Amelia would be of no use to Lewis. He didn't need leverage to lure a woman who was dead. He would kill her too. Olivia couldn't risk either scenario, so she waited. The light of morning was on its way. It couldn't get there soon enough.

Lewis entered the premises discreetly. The manager at the desk, the only other person in the building, didn't even look up from the magazine he was reading. Lewis, pleased, searched for the items he thought he might need. After grabbing a pocket knife and a couple of lighters, he moved to the other half of the store.

_How lucky, _he almost spoke out loud when he saw liquor lining the shelves.

He selected a large bottle of vodka from a shelf, and he made his way to the counter, dropping his merchandise in front of the man. Not phased at all, the man began to scan the items.

"Two Marlboro's." Lwis smiled to himself.

_ Just like old times. _

The man finally looked up, seemingly startled. Lewis knew he'd seen his scar, but he didn't want to have any police attention, not when he was ready to spend time with Olivia. He didn't want to rush. Maybe the man hadn't recognized him.

Lewis smiled easily, pointing at his scar. "You should see the other guy."

The man glanced away. "He made it?"

The rhetorical question, humorous as it was, caught Lewis pleasantly off guard. He smiled again as he paid.

"Thanks."

The last look back Lewis took saw the clerk calmly reading again. He had no idea he'd just allowed a criminal to purchase the items he planned to torture his most special victim with.

Olivia was taking slow breaths when Lewis returned. He climbed into the backseat, sitting opposite her. Reaching into his bag that he'd been carrying since she'd met him that night, Lewis retracted a roll of duct tape. Her swallow was audible to him, she was sure. Tears were already threatening to spill from her eyes. One question played over and over in her head as she watched him.

_Why? Why had she taken that interrogation, seemingly a lifetime before? Why had he chosen her? _So much had changed since that one day, so much she wished she could go back and avoid.

When he looked up and pushed the tape onto her mouth, her eyes changed. They began to show the fire she felt light within her.

Why had it all happened? Because she was the one who could end it - end him. She was the one who was meant to save his future victims their pain. And she would.

With her arms behind her back, Olivia sat up straight. He wasn't going to kill her. He hadn't had his time. She would take whatever pain he inflicted knowing that soon she would have her chance to end his life. He wasn't going to make it out alive. Though her heart pounded against her ribs when she watched him hold the lighter up, she kept her gaze steady. The flame lit the abyss of the car.

"I know you remember the smell of burning flesh." He smiled as he lifted the flame closer to her.

She did remember. That smell never left her. She couldn't stand the smell of fire at all, grilling, stovetop, anything. It all reminded her of her own flesh being seared by him.

He violently thrust the lighter to the inside of her shoulder where her sweater exposed the skin he wanted. As the flame bit into her skin, Olivia didn't move. Her brow shone with the perspiration of her efforts to keep quiet. She held every cry of excruciating pain in, silently staring into Lewis' eyes.

"Well that's no fun." He seemed mildly annoyed as he pulled the alcohol from behind him.

It was then that Olivia prepared for what she hated most. She remembered the feeling - as if she was drowning. She felt the burning in her throat, the lack of air. It was all about to happen again.

Lewis tore the tape off of her mouth. She did the only thing she could. Her spit angered him as it showered his face. After slowly wiping it from his face, he attacked her. With his weight on her legs, he forced the bottle into her mouth. It hit the back of her throat painfully as it poured bitter liquid down her throat. Olivia couldn't make a sound. She couldn't breathe in or out. When her air was long gone, Lewis tore the bottle from her. Olivia coughed so hard that she threw some of the vodka back up. While she tried to get oxygen, Lewis lit a cigarette. Olivia looked up at him through watering eyes.

"You smoke - or I'll burn you. I promise I can still get you to scream - if I hold it on long enough." He put the unlit end at her lips as he threatened her.

She knew he was right, so Olivia took a breath of fresh air and then inhaled the smoke. She was able to suppress the coughs as her lungs dealt with the new intrusion. He watched her blow the smoke out. It made his insides tingle. He took a long drag and did the same. Then, an idea popping into his head, Lewis held it back to her.

"Blow the smoke out facing the ceiling."

She did what he said, unknowingly torturing him as she blew the vile chemicals from her throat, chin lifted to the ceiling. Lewis shivered in delight. Why hadn't he thought of doing it before? To watch her smoke was turning him on like he'd never felt before. Only she could do that. And that's why he'd come back for her. He had to hold himself back from taking her right then.

_Soon. _He reminded himself. _Soon._

He got himself closer to her and made her take another deep drag. Olivia continued her charade, knowing she'd have her chance eventually. She had to wait him out.

"Now into my mouth."

She held the smoke as he opened his mouth inches from her own. Her body shivered with him so close to her. The first light of morning broke the horizon.

She blew the smoke toward him as he closed his eyes. When he opened them, Olivia tried to turn away. It was no good. He captured her lips in a forceful kiss. The feeling was sickeningly familiar. Her air was gone again before he unlatched himself.

"Let's go see Amelia and have some more fun."

A new question had began its assault on her mind: _When? When would it end?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Surrender Benson**

Olivia let her feet drag as she walked around the corner of the hallway. The grocery bag's obnoxious crinkling did nothing to distract her from her thoughts. William Lewis was a free man - again. She shook her head. The things he'd done to that poor old lady should have landed him in prison for life. Instead, he'd caught another break.

The captain had ordered her to take two days off in the wake of the case's dismissal. She planned to spend them plowing through his files, trying to find anything they could challenge him with. Her hair fell in front of her eyes as she unlocked the door to her apartment.

The darkness of the apartment made her mind switch gears. Brian wasn't there. They'd talked about spending some much-needed time together that night. Looked like it wouldn't be happening. She carefully emptied the contents of her grocery bag on the counter. As she set the eggs down, a small sound - from her bedroom? - caught her attention. _Was _Brian there?

"Hello?" She said quietly, hoping she'd find him.

Before she finished her next "hello," she was staring past a revolver into the face of William Lewis. Her heart stopped. She froze solid.

"Welcome home, Detective Benson." He smiled.

The crime scene photos were flashing in her head. She was next. She should have seen it coming. Of course he'd choose her. The fiery relationship they'd had the past week should have made her predict his next move.

Her breathing became labored as he pushed the gun to her neck. Her eyes begged him not to do whatever he was going to. Still smiling, he grabbed her and pinned her body against the wall outside her bedroom. Olivia was stunned by the sudden movement. His strength was far superior to hers as she tried to push him off of her. When he put his hand between her legs, something snapped within her. He'd chosen the wrong woman to mess with. Her leg caught him in the shin, losing leverage on Olivia. She headed to the kitchen where her phone still sat.

Would he shoot? Not before taking what he wanted.

Her hands trembled violently as she fumbled for the device. Lewis recovered quickly, slamming his body into hers before the phone's screen ever lit up. She hit the side of the sink with force, bending over it as he used his weight against her. With him at her back, she lifted her foot, going for his groin. She almost hit him too, but he spun her around too rapidly.

"Good one." He punched her, fist smashing her nose.

The blow surprised her and hurt her even more. Her eyes blurred as her hand flew up to cover her injury. Lewis, teeth still gritted, grabbed her by the hair. Olivia felt the gun on her as she walked backwards with him.

"What do you want?" She asked desperately. It was hard to fight when the fight wasn't fair.

He stopped when they stood in the living room. Has face was so close to hers.

"I think you've got an idea." He paused. "And I know you'll be able to handle me. I get kind of tired of those frail ones."

Silence again. Olivia couldn't breathe.

"We're going to have a lot of fun."

Olivia felt his lips close to hers and reacted, swinging her arm, catching him in the back of the neck. She went for her gun this time, diving for it as it lay on the counter. She didn't even get that far. He kicked her in the back of the knees.

_Oh god,_ she was thinking. _He's too strong_. There was no way she could fight him and win. He hit so much harder than she ever could.

Her hands tried to grab the counter as her legs collapsed beneath her, but they missed. Her body hit the floor. Lewis wound up and kicked again, hitting her in the eye. Olivia cried out as pain shot through her face, making the world tilt unevenly. When he buried his foot twice in her ribs, she found she was unable to make a sound. The air dissipated from her lungs. Coughing desperately, she struggled to her hands and knees, hoping to replenish het oxygen.

"You try anything again - I'll shoot you right here and go find someone else." His words were forceful. He was livid.

Her mind spun. She would make it out alive. Then they would have the case against him they needed. She would be his last. Olivia complied with a nod. He forced her up, tearing her jacket off when she made it to her feet. She kept her eyes angrily on his.

"Grab that chair -" he motioned to the object "- and take a seat."

Every instinct she had was fighting as she did what he said. Olivia had to comply. She had to survive. She sat down in the chair in the middle of the living room. The swallow she took was difficult to keep down. Lewis used her own cuffs to restrain her, tying her feet to the legs of the chair. Olivia couldn't stop how hard her heart pumped. She was vulnerable, about to take the pain Alice Parker had.

Lewis smiled down at her, her nose bleeding, eye quickly bruising.

"So." He tucked his gun into his back waist band. "What do we do first?"

He looked around. Then he left the living room altogether. Once in the kitchen he turned on the first burner of the stove. Olivia's heart picked up its speed again. She moved her hands behind her. She wanted to escape the pain that was sure to come. The sound of metal dropping into the pan gave Olivia horrible shivers. The smell of the heated burner wafted to where she sat, her nose trickling blood, eye throbbing. Her body didn't have much fight left, and she knew she had a long battle ahead.

Lewis was smiling when he approached her with the pan in his hands. "You seem like a woman who likes fire. How about we get you to simmer down a bit?"

He slapped duct tape onto her mouth. Olivia moved, giving a sound of terrified anticipation. She couldn't hide her fear from him. She struggled against her bindings as he held the key near her chest. The heat already filtered to her skin as she trembled. Then it seared the flesh covering her collarbone. Olivia cried out from behind the tape as she moved to get away. She could feel every fiber in her being scorched, split apart.

The smell was dehumanizing. Burnt, smoking flesh met her nose in smokey waves. She looked away, but it didn't help. The pain hit its terrible peak and then dulled strangely. The smell was so foul she had to fight to keep her stomach from throwing its contents into the barrier over her mouth. Then the burn disappeared, replaced by a steady throb. Her forehead was glowing with sweat as she looked back at him. Her chest rose and fell rapidly as the discomfort lingered. He was only just starting. She knew there was so much to come. She couldn't do anything about it. She was helpless, her worst nightmare.

"Again?" He asked like she had a choice.

Olivia closed her eyes and waited for the next pain.

"Open your eyes." His face was right in front of hers when she did. The pan next to him held its heat, in it the second key. Lewis held her gaze for a moment before grabbing the key and pressing it to Olivia's opposite collarbone.

Her muted scream had the power to rip the tape off her mouth. He held it longer than the last. The edges of the world got blurry just as he removed it.

"Not losing you yet, am I? We've got a lot more to do." Lewis' smirk only increased the deep helplessness Olivia was sinking into. He had her. He could - and was - doing what he wanted to, and she couldn't do a thing to stop it.

The knife flashed in her eyes as he taunted her with her oncoming agony. Someone had to know she was in trouble, that she needed help. The blade made its first mark on her skin as she glanced to her window. The pain coaxed yet another shout from deep within her. It left a bleeding cut on the back of her upper arm, bound behind her.

"Your blood is so much better - better than that old lady's for sure." He wiped his finger on it, bringing the crimson stain to his mouth.

Olivia felt so repulsed, but she held a steady gaze. Her eyes were those displaying great determination. It fired him up even more. He held the blade to her left forearm, behind her back. He pressed it down slowly, steadily. Her skin caved in beneath the pressure before it split, yielding her blood. Her cries wouldn't let themselves be contained as she struggled to remain still.

Lewis delightedly pushed down as the knife's wound widened and deepened. Olivia couldn't see the location where the pain emanated from, but she could feel it. It moved down her arm, creating a searing burn during which she couldn't hold still. Without a sound, she moved in her chair.

Lewis enjoyed it. He took his knife from her and replaced it with his hand. Olivia's eyes rolled back as he squeezed the fresh injuries. Her breathing was uneven, her forehead giving way to more beads of sweat. It was so easy to wish he would kill her, but she knew she had to fight to keep her life. He'd gotten away with too much already. She had to live to make sure he didn't catch another break - not this time. She let a sound of great discomfort come from her throat when he squeezed harder.

Lewis smiled, holding the knife up to her when he let go. "How does it feel, Olivia?"

He whispered to her. "Becoming a victim?"

Olivia felt everything fall around her when he said it. A victim. She shut her eyes and turned away from him, taking with her the pleasure he'd had watching her eyes.

"Look at me." He demanded. She refused in silence.

"Hey." Lewis grew angry with her defiance and grabbed her mangled arm.

His blade caught her again. Olivia kept her face to the side until his hand forced her to stare back at him.

"You tell me -" he reached for the tape on her mouth "- you tell me what you want."

The tape came off her mouth painfully, and Olivia immediately did the thing she realized she'd failed to during the initial struggle. A scream so sharp that it hurt her own ears ripped from her lungs. Someone had to hear her. She wasn't going down without a fight.

William Lewis felt a moment of panic, but _only_ a moment. Her cry came to an abrupt end when Lewis' gun struck the side of her head. Her world went dark before returning, blurry. She was awake, barely. Every sound was muted.

Lewis slapped the tape back on her mouth as she battled her sleep. She could smell that it was alcohol raining down upon her when he stood up. The struggle she had against her bindings was enough to tip her chair over, taking her with it. The contact her head made with the ground was just enough to launch her into unconsciousness. Darkness took her prisoner, strangely enough freeing her from the pain.

* * *

**I promise you the next chapter is not violent like this one was. I'll have it posted soon. Also, if you have any scenes you'd like to see that were left out of the saga, let me know. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Post-Surrender Benson**

Olivia, recovering from her four-day kidnapping and torture, sat listlessly on Brian's couch. She stared unseeing at the lit TV screen. Brian watched her from the kitchen, a short step away. It had been almost a month since she'd escaped William Lewis, and she was still as jumpy, seemingly vulnerable as she was before. She hadn't smiled once. She hardly spoke. All of it scared him.

He had no idea what he could do. Although he had a general understanding of the attack, the details of what had happened those four days were a mystery, a secret closely guarded by Olivia. She hadn't said anything about any of it. She'd been holding it to herself, keeping it all inside.

Brian sighed as he returned to his small living space. He handed Olivia her glass of water, watching her hands shake as she reached for it.

"Thank you." Her words made his heart smile. Anything he heard her say was a reminder that she was still alive, still with him. Her life, that was something that Lewis hadn't taken.

Brian had been so sure he was going to lose Olivia. He still felt like he was, every silent day that passed.

Olivia knew his eyes were on her. "I'm going to get ready for bed." She stood up abruptly and left the room to change in his bedroom.

She was thankful for his presence. But she could see him longing to ask questions that she wasn't ready to answer. He looked at her differently than he used to. Everyone did. She wanted him to stop, even if he didn't know he was doing it.

Olivia shut the door behind her, taking a deep breath before slipping out of her blazer. Every fiber slid over her scars. Every inch of fabric reminded her that she was still healing. As she unbuttoned her short-sleeved blouse, she waited in front of the mirror to see her injuries again. When her shirt fell open, she froze. Her fingers traveled from her scarred collarbone to the circular remnants of burns on her chest. Olivia let her right hand slide along her left arm's injuries.

It seemed that dull pain still leaked from the scars. As Olivia looked again at herself in the mirror, she sighed in defeat. It seemed that pain would never go away. She swallowed hard. It was someone else staring back at her from within the reflection. A teardrop landed on her shoulder as she watched the stranger stare from a world much different than her own. She'd lived, but for what? A life like this? It was hardly a life. She was just waiting to slip and find herself gone forever.

The door opened after a gentle knock. Olivia spun, clutching her shirt and holding it together as she found Brian standing there. He hadn't seen her battered body since her rescue. She'd kept her sleeves long, her shirt's cut high.

"No, Olivia - it's ok. I want to see." He took a cautious step toward her.

Olivia reciprocated quickly, taking her own step back. "No."

She felt her tears coming. She didn't know what she was trying to hide from him with her concealment. Perhaps she felt if another person witnessed them, touched her scars, it would become all too real for her. She didn't care what it was. She just didn't want him to see.

"Please." Her whispered plea came as another tear made its way down her cheek.

Brian felt his mind deploring him to do as she wished, but his heart said differently. He had to see. She had to let him see. It was just something that they both needed to do.

"Liv I know - I know it's hard." Brian felt his own emotions threatening to take his voice from him. He was right in front of her as he reached out for her arms as they kept her shirt closed.

Olivia let more tears follow the others' trail. She watched his eyes, calming to her. One day or another he _would_ see those marks, evidence of the atrocities she'd experienced. Brian's hands were the final stroke of comfort. She trusted him. And so she slowly let him guide her hands to her side. She held one of his hands gently.

"Show me." He asked her softly.

Olivia took his right hand and lifted it to her collarbone steadily. It was the hardest thing she'd had to do in the presence of someone else. She was letting him in. She closed her eyes as his fingers came to rest on the skin, the damage. Brian inhaled deeply as he probed it tenderly.

"A key." Olivia felt her eyes stop their flood of emotion as she explained the lasting wound. Brian held her hand that hung at her side as she moved his fingers across her skin. No flashbacks came.

She stopped at one of the many circular marks on her chest. Brian's eyes never strayed from Olivia's. He didn't need to look at her scars. Instead, he wanted to feel them as she did. He silently told her that he wasn't going to see her as any less of a woman just because of what remained of her assault.

"Cigarettes." She whispered, driving the spear further into Brian.

It hurt to know, to feel that what happened was real. Its effects weren't going to go away on their own. Her hand guided his to the other side of her chest. His fingers followed a pair of long, thin areas of raised skin. Olivia began to find Lewis' face as she felt Brian's hand on the wounds that had been some of the most painful she'd endured. She took a deep breath as she looked straight into Brian's eyes. He was hurting too, she saw.

"His knife." They both noticed the tremor when she spoke. It channeled her agony to him.

Her hand squeezed his at her side as their other two continued their journey. Her body was like a timeline, one of great pain, yet of great strength. His fingers stroked the length of her right arm, catching each raised scar. Olivia said nothing when she moved him to her other arm. She didn't have to explain them. He could feel for himself what had caused them each. Every cigarette burn, key mark and laceration integrated their pain to his own arms. Olivia kept her breaths slow and steady as Brian reached the end of her left arm.

Gently, still gazing at him, keeping herself with him in safety, she moved his hand to where the mark of robbed authority remained. Brian found his fingers resting on the raised scar on Olivia's forehead. She swallowed, enabling herself to speak.

"My gun." It hurt to say, more than the others. Her own property displaying her power and authority had been used to create a permanent mark of pain upon her very skin.

Brian felt his emotion surface faster than what he could control it. His vision blurred as the gates within him opened. He moved his hand to tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. His eyes tried to tell her that it didn't change her, that one mark couldn't take her power.

Olivia had one last place she hurt. Maybe he could help mend it. Her body wasn't aware that she was even moving their hands, but they moved anyway. Brian let his tears fall when he found his hand resting flat on her chest, directly over Olivia's heart. He felt it beating. The scar was invisible, but it was there. Olivia let it rest there, and she pulled the corners of her mouth into a sad smile. As she did, Brian witnessed the evidence of her constant struggle. Through her smile, two glistening orbs slid all the way down her cheeks.

Brian let his hand fall from her heart as he brought her into his arms, crying endlessly into her shoulder. Olivia held him tightly, letting him take her weight. It felt so inexplicably good to share her load with someone else, someone who would help. The scars were real. The aftermath was real. And now neither one of them could pretend as if it wasn't.

They held each other for an eternity. Olivia finally knew Brian was on the road with her. She wasn't alone in her journey back from the darkest place she'd ever been.

He knew she was still the woman he'd always known. Brian held Olivia, unable to fathom what horrors she'd suffered. She had such courage, showing him the marks that were left. It helped him understand her withdrawal, her silence.

"Olivia." He released her, still holding both of her soft hands.

"You're so beautiful." He said, so sincerely his knees got weak.

Olivia had the words hit her hard. He couldn't know the magnitude those words had in the relieving of her shame. Even with those marks, he still saw her as a beautiful woman. Another, final drop of shining emotion dropped from her eye.

"Oh, Brian." She shook her head. "You don't know how much that means." Her voice fell to a whisper. "Thank you."

They spent the beginnings of the night, Brian's arms holding her as she fell into an easy sleep. While she slept, he let his hand feel the perfect imperfections of her arms. He loved the beautiful skin even more now. Her body's scars were simply proof that she was healing. They showed how strong she was. She'd lived. She'd survived. And he would do whatever it took to get her back to where she could smile everyday, where she could see her scars as lasting marks of her incredible strength. He would be right next to her the whole way.


	7. Chapter 7

**Psycho/Therapist**

She stood up when the gavel hit the desk behind which the judge sat. William Lewis had finally been convicted. Barba's mouth was moving as he turned to speak to her. All Olivia caught was _"25 to life." _

The only words she herself could manage came out all at once. "I can't believe it's over."

She stood there, surrounded by her support as the harrowing trial came to and end. Her captain's words echoed hers as he assured her it really was over. Nick's comforting squeeze of her hand did more for her than he knew. As Olivia began to feel the flood coming, she acknowledged Brian when he asked if she was coming home.

"Yes." She wouldn't make it all the way home before everything she'd pent-up came bursting out with such force she couldn't hide it. "Can you just - give me a minute?"

Her throat was already closing when she locked eyes with her attacker. So much was said between their gazes in such a short time. It reestablished the connection that sickened Olivia, but even she couldn't deny it was there. William Lewis was led from the room. Then her feet began to move. She didn't have time to care who was watching her. She just had to leave.

Her chest was painfully tight, giving her grief as she tried to breathe. The roof she'd been managing to hold above her head was falling. She'd tried to be strong for the trial, but it had taken its toll. Olivia threw open the first door she saw away from the flow of the busy courtroom. The stairwell greeted her as an opportune place to let it come out - all of it. She ran her hands through her hair as she descended to the bottom.

Olivia's body stopped itself on the third to last stair. There was a magnitude of waves crashing into her. Each channeled a very different emotion. The trial had been almost worse than the initial attack. She'd stood up in open court, in front of fellow officers, admitting all of the awful things Lewis had done to her. Lewis had had a chance to get back in her head, but that was just it: he had never left. He was going away, which brought her relief, but _only_ relief. She wouldn't have to see him face-to-face again, except when she suffered a flashback or a horrible nightmare. He was going to be behind bars, unable to hurt another human being again, yet his horrible memory would remain in those he'd already touched.

Olivia took deep breaths as her mind took on everything she unknowingly threw at it. And then, in the midst of its spiraling, shuffling everything around like a deck of cards, it stopped. The world stopped spinning. Silence rang loudly in her ears, pushing everything from her mind in a frightening moment. All Olivia felt she could do in its wake was cry, cry the tears she'd held in for too long. She felt her hair fall in front of her eyes as her shoulders shook with silent sobs. For a long moment, she allowed the feelings to escape.

_It's over, finally over._

Her body, when she could sob no longer, allowed quiet tears to stream from her eyes. Olivia reached up to the railing and held her hand around tightly, an anchor to reality as she leaned in and regained her air. The thoughts were easier to sort out when her efforts to push them back in her mind fell flat. She was ready to climb out of the endless hole she'd been unfairly tossed into. She was ready to take her power back. She was ready to recover.

The sound of the door above her opening slowly was one she didn't hear. The steps down to her were different, but she didn't move, she figured she'd just have to tell the concerned stranger that she was alright to get the opportunity to be alone again. No one said anything as she felt the person sit down beside her. Her hand released the railing as she ran a hand through her hair and found her captain next to her.

He saw the tears, but they didn't phase him. He kept his hands folded in his lap as he gave her a sad smile. Olivia didn't bother to wipe her face. It was obvious what she'd been doing anyway. She didn't look at him when she spoke.

"I'm fine, Captain."

The words sounded as hollow as they felt.

"You know, that word doesn't mean much coming from you." His words were gentle.

Olivia looked straight into his eyes, forgetting her need to be alone.

"Olivia - I've known you a long time." He hesitated. "No human being, not even a superwoman can be "fine" after the things I've heard that word explain."

The statement hit home. Olivia swallowed hard, feeling her tears return.

"Fine." She changed its context. "I'm not ok."

It felt like a physical blow she received when she said it. Cragen felt his own heart ache when he heard the pain in her voice.

"It's over, but it's not. It happened. No verdict can change that." Her eyes returned to the bottom of the stairwell.

Cragen didn't have to hear her say what her heart was telling him. "Liv."

He sought to regain her gaze and succeeded. Olivia found safety in him. She always had.

"He has no power over you." He blinked away his own tears as his voice dropped. He echoed the words that he'd heard Olivia say as a comfort to others.

"You survived the attack." She watched him as she began to feel the lump in her throat return. "You'll survive the recovery."

He hated seeing her so exhausted, so hurt. Cragen put his hand on her knee as Olivia nodded, wiping a tear that had ventured to her jawline.

He pressed on, unwilling to let the words go unsaid. He knew what she was thinking. "And I know how you feel - about what every other cop's thinking about you."

Olivia inhaled deeply as she put her own hand in his. He moved it, holding it gently.

"But I can tell you you're wrong. You're a hero, Liv. They aren't thinking any less of you because they know the torture Lewis put you through. All of them - including me, the whole squad - know your incredible strength because you _survived_ it." He paused to regain his ability to speak. "All of us respect you even more than before - if that's possible."

Cragen could see the shame in her eyes, and he wanted to make it disappear. She knew better - that's why she had the shame she did. She felt more shame in feeling the shame. She knew how misplaced that self-blame was, but she could do nothing about it. Olivia's sad smile came through a fresh tear. She squeezed his hand, still absorbing the words. He would never know how much his assurance meant to her. To hear another person, a fellow officer of the law tell her that she was still seen as an equal, perhaps more than an equal in the NYPD almost completely riddled that uneasiness, the blame she held to herself.

"Thank you." Olivia could only manage a whisper in reply as her voice filled with tearful tremors.

Her captain nodded slowly, feeling evidence of his overwhelming intuitions filling his misty eyes. He spoke in a voice much like Olivia's - shaky, emotional. "I'm so proud of you."

Olivia was hit with another blow. Proud. He was proud. She'd faced her fears. She'd put Lewis away, the only one to ever convict him of anything. Teardrops continued making paths down her cheeks, settling and spreading down her neck. It was a sensation that reminded her how alive she was. She had a chance to get her life back because she'd fought for it. And she'd ultimately won. It wasn't all over, but one of the hardest parts was.

"What do you say we get outta here?" Cragen gave her leg a pat and stood up, stepping down to the landing below her. As he extended his hand, Olivia offered another smile and took it.

In one swift movement, her feet landed on the same level her captain stood on. Then her arms were around him, his around her. He held her tightly, hoping to take some of the weight she bore. Olivia hugged him with everything she had in her. Though they saw the worst of mankind, they'd been through it together. For so long, Cragen had been her support, her solace. Now she understood what he really meant to her. Her eyes remained closed as the embrace endured.

Cragen allowed himself a smile as he released her, still holding her hands as their eyes locked. "I bet Barba's waiting to buy us all drinks. You up for it?"

He felt his smile crawl back across his face. Olivia could feel the relief taking over her body, overpowering the lingering feelings of guilt and anger. Her eyes were tired. Her feet were weary, as was the rest of her. But they had won. She had won. Lewis' face could haunt her all it wanted, but his hands would never touch her again. He was finished tearing a path of destruction.

Olivia nodded to her captain. "Depends on who's buying the second round."

She let herself smile again. It was such a liberating feeling. Cragen chuckled lightly. Olivia was still the woman she had always been. Lewis should have known he couldn't take that away.

"It's on me." He replied, turning to head down the next flight of stairs.

Olivia's hands fell from his as she followed, but the lost contact didn't take the comfort away. She still felt safe. With the people she had in her life, that would never change.

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**Because of the scenes to come (with flashbacks, more intense and adult content etc.), I will be changing the rating to M just to be safe. I hope you'll still continue to read.**

**Thanks for sticking with me so far. Xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Of all the chapters I have planned for this, unwritten and written, this one was the most difficult to write. Going through what might have happened in the "infamous" bathroom scene is still puzzling to me. We were all left to wonder what happened, and I decided to put in writing what may or may not have occurred. We might never know what really went down. I knew I'd have to bite the bullet and write it sometime - and here it is. **

**This also got a bit long, but I hope it won't be too much. I may later split it into two chapters just so that it's not so much at once.**

**I know a lot of people wonder about this scene, and I did my best to try and put the emotion, thought, and action that (hopefully) will be close to what others think happened. **

**As I said in the chapter before, this chapter is more intense than the others. Please be cautious. Some of this could be triggering. It was for me. There is some language, but the violence and theme are both what are strongest here. **

**Please keep that in mind as you read.**

**Xx - Ellie**

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**Surrender Benson**

It was the feeling she wished she could ignore, but she couldn't. No matter how hard she tried to tell her brain that it was wrong, her body won. She had to use the bathroom. Now. As Lewis tore the duct tape in his hands near the side of the bed, Olivia used her weakened muscles to roll herself to her back. The tears were already prodding at her eyes. She'd heard nothing he'd said.

"You gonna miss me?"

The whole room was spinning. Like in a nightmare, everything was a blur except for her attackers face. He wouldn't uncuff her to use the bathroom. She already knew that, even through the fog created by the alcohol and drugs he'd forced into her. But she wouldn't sit there, cuffed, and await in humiliation as her body let her wet herself. It was such a terrible feeling either way. Her helplessness to do anything was painful, almost as painful as the blows he'd delivered her.

Her throat made a noise of desperation. His smile gave her chills as he tilted his head toward her. He communicated without a word, questioning what her sound had meant. Olivia made it as horribly clear as she could, moving her eyes to the toilet she saw through an adjacent door. Lewis understood, grinning to himself.

"Of course. Been a long time. All that vodka, right?" He held the duct tape and gun as he kept his mind clear. He had to make it relatively quick. He had to get rid of the car before someone saw it.

"Let's go."

Olivia closed her eyes as she tried to get her body to do what she wished. The cuffs that held her hands together behind her made her almost entirely immobile. With the greatest effort she'd ever exerted in her life, her feet hit the floor on the side of the bed. It was all she could do. Her mind was sending messages to her nerves, her useless limbs, but the communications were interrupted by an unbreakable force. Her whole life she'd been fighting to be one step ahead, to never be in the position of the victim again. Yet there she was, unable to even stand up by herself. She'd fought to gain the authority she had, and in that moment, all of it went to nothing.

Lewis grew frustrated, impatient as he watched her slowly battle for motion. He needed his hands on her, in her. He'd finally take the last of her power.

Olivia felt him grab her, lifting her so that her face was mere centimeters from his, her own gun at her throat. She watched his eyes, finding herself caught in reading them as she swayed unsteadily. Seeing the gleam of his excited anticipation, Olivia turned away. Lewis gripped her arm tightly as she stumbled to the bathroom.

Once inside, the man turned her so that she faced him. In one movement, he could throw her down onto the toilet. Olivia wished that she could hold it forever. The serial rapist, sexual sadist wouldn't let the opportunity go to waste. Would he rape her? She stood in front of him, not knowing, as he put her gun in his back waistband again, reaching out for her. He never let his eyes stray from hers even as he reached for her belt and pulled it loose. Olivia let her gaze settle just beyond his left shoulder, to a blank wall. It was more comforting than to watch his delight as he undressed her.

His hands brushed against her skin as Olivia's first tear fell down her cheek. Lewis watched it journey down her bloodied face, hanging on her jaw as another dropped. It was what he'd looked forward to - seeing her react as he took away her power - since first setting his eyes upon her in that interrogation room. Olivia tried to think of something else, anything else as his hand slid into her pants. She'd trained and prepared to deal with perpetrators and come out on top. The tables had turned. There was absolutely nothing she could do to stop him from making her the victim.

Since her experience with her mother, Olivia had been able to protect herself; she'd made sure she could, anytime, any place. That was what she'd done best. Now one man had the power to take that all away: her security, her life.

Being kidnapped was one thing. Being faced with the immediate reality that she was going to be raped was something different. She could handle the cuts and the burns. She could handle the alcohol rippling down her throat so fast it spilled into her lungs. But she couldn't handle William Lewis, a life-long criminal, a rapist, a murderer, taking what little of her life it felt she had left. Those horrible crimes she handled always hit close to home, but this one was so much worse. It would be her story she'd have to tell, her story she'd have to repeat over and over. What would the story be? She swallowed hard.

_Don't give him what he wants._ She was talking silently amongst the jumbled thoughts in her head. _He can't break you. He can't take anything you don't give him._

Still, she knew he was going to take her. Olivia made a conscious effort to stop her tears. They were obviously satisfactory for Lewis, and she was unwilling to give him any more power than he already had. One final drop fell over her cheek as she moved her eyes into his. She wouldn't let him win. She _had_ to keep that confidence. He'd taken everything else.

Lewis looked into her fiery eyes with pleasure, a small smile spreading across his cracked lips. His finger gripped the waist of her pants easily. One violent yank took them down to her knees.

Olivia swallowed hard as she fought her emotions from flooding back into evidence. Her eyes were locked with his, a silent fight unfolding. There was a connection between them that even she couldn't deny. The first time she'd seen him she'd felt that chemistry, as horrible as it was. Lewis was reading her as he always did. They could have hours of conversation just by glaring at one another. That reestablished connection was enough to make Olivia's stomach start to churn. The deep breath she took made her aware again of the terrible burning in her bladder.

_Don't make a noise. _She instructed herself solemnly. _Don't give him that. _

Lewis had never felt such a force drawing him to another person. Of all his victims, Olivia Benson was the most special. He could see her beauty - exquisite, unique. It manifested in a magnitude he'd never witnessed before. Along with his attraction to her, he felt her strength, her pride in being able to protect herself and others. There was an air about her, something he couldn't figure out. No other person had that sort of a feeling accompanying them everywhere they went. He felt the way she demanded attention and immediate compliance when she stepped into a room, whether she was trying to exhibit that or not.

It was something that intrigued him in a whole new way. He knew he had to take that away, whatever it was, simply because he'd never seen anything like it - like her - before. He had seen her confidence displayed when she was investigating him only a week before. That week had changed the course of his life. He'd taken a turn, wanting only one thing: her.

Lewis' fingers touched the top of her black undergarment, feeling the lace beneath him. Olivia was repulsed almost to the point of vomiting. She knew she couldn't do that again. The last time she had, she'd almost suffocated in her own fluids. The breaking detective tried to coax her mind to go somewhere else. She had to in order to keep from self-destructing, but it seemed impossible. Her mind, body, and soul were stuck within Lewis' grip, unable to escape.

Instead of mentally leaving the room, Olivia replayed in her head every moment she wished she could go back and change. She could have stayed to talk with Nick the night she'd been kidnapped, seemingly a lifetime before. Her mind spoke again.

_Four days. You've survived four days with him. You can survive these few moments._

The thoughts continued. She could have drawn her gun at the sound of someone in her apartment. She could have fought harder, longer, before letting him overpower her and tie her to her own chair. But could she have?

She was torn back from her thoughts back into the bathroom when her last barrier between his hands and her body fell from her legs. She stood, naked from the waist down as Lewis watched. He figured he had to let her go to the bathroom before he could do anything more, so he shoved her roughly down to the toilet.

Olivia relieved herself, a small battle won. She hadn't had to go all over herself in a state of terrible degradation. Once she finished, she let herself look up at him again. Her heart dropped. She hadn't thought it all the way through. Her hands were still behind her back as she watched Lewis roll out the toilet paper.

"Hold still, Sweetheart."

Her stomach clenched again, harder, when he leaned down and touched her, using the toilet paper to do the very thing she'd been able to since she was but a wisp of a child. It was degrading, dehumanizing. It did to her what Lewis had wanted it to, and she was well aware of his intentions. He was trying to destroy her and everything she had - her confidence, her pride, her independence.

She felt his hand linger beneath her as she sat motionless. She could hardly put up a struggle. Lewis wrapped an arm around her and pulled her back up so that she stood in front of him again. Olivia kept her eye contact with him, using the last of her energy to silently show him that her flame was still lit.

Those beautiful eyes were a mixture of anger, determination, and paralyzing fear. It turned him on. He knew what he was going to do next.

Olivia struggled to stay upright, swaying with the effects of her pain, the things running through her veins, and the magnitude of the situation. His smile sent a coil of nails up her spine, sending shock waves through her ribs, and shooting searing pain into her head. She felt her knees unlock as she prepared for her legs to give out from beneath her. Before they could, Lewis spun her around and bent her over the counter, both of them staring straight into the mirror that captured the moment.

Olivia's world stopped when she saw her own reflection. That couldn't really be her staring back from the other side. Her eyes were dark. Her face, bruised and bloodied, became a distortion, an unfamiliar sight. Until she'd seen herself, Olivia wouldn't let the belief sink in that Lewis had already destroyed more of her than she could know. Another reality sunk in as the hand he wasn't using to pin her down explored her very core. Her sharp inhale was one of pain, physical and mental. It was happening.

_Don't let him break you._ Her eyes closed as she took her undeserved punishment in silence, her mind speaking the other side of her thoughts. The angel and the devil had their conversation. _What am I fighting for? He already has. _

She shook her head, finding that her internal struggle was the hardest to cope with. _Don't give him the struggle he wants. Don't resist. It will be over soon._

It went against everything she had ever believed. _Fight until you're dead -_ that's what it had always been. But now, if Lewis knew he'd broken her, her life _was_ over. That's what he had come to do.

"Open your eyes." Lewis felt anger bubbling inside of him as he pushed two of his meaty fingers into her.

Olivia's eyes flew open with no hesitation. Her sounds of discomfort rang out from behind the duct tape. She couldn't stop them. It couldn't be happening, but it was. She saw his reflection in the mirror, standing behind her, holding her gun in the hand that he'd withdrawn from her center. Her heart pounded in her chest, causing her ribs further panic. She knew. She already knew what he was doing.

"Put it in your mouth." He reached up to her, ripping the duct tape off. He pushed the metal of her own gun, the last sign of power she held, between her teeth.

Olivia choked on it when it hit the back of her throat. It was the worst thing he'd done yet. He was giving her the ultimate "fuck you." He'd known her for only a week , and he already understood what would break her. The repulslive connection between them surfaced again.

Her gun had been on her hip for over a decade, protecting her, getting justice, giving her authority and confidence. Now it was choking her, sending her the message that her power and authority could be taken away.

Lewis pulled it out, chipping one of her teeth as he did. Olivia tried to cry out for help, but all she could manage was a weak word.

"Help." It was pathetic. It was useless, much like the rest of her was. Her voice was of no help to her. She didn't try again, knowing then and there that was what Lewis wanted. He wanted to hear her cry out for help. It was a sign of weakness.

The room was spinning even more as she bowed her head and felt a bead of sweat roll down her hairline. She just wanted it to be over. She'd been fighting for too long. It was too much.

Lewis stood behind her, gazing at her beautiful backside, her folds that greeted him. He didn't care that he couldn't see her face. He knew she'd react when she felt it. He was going to take it away, everything, with one action. He held her down as he pushed the tip of her gun to her core.

Olivia squinted her eyes shut as she waited for the inevitable. Her body was unable to do anything to stop it.

Lewis bit his lip with pleasure as he gave the gun a hard thrust, and sent it into the detective. Olivia moved herself beneath Lewis' powerful force, struggling against the pain that had erupted between her legs. It was to no avail. He let her gun settle inside her as her face met his in the mirror again. The world stood still. No. The world disappeared.

She wished he'd kill her. She wished he'd pull the trigger and end it all. Her gun, one of the things she carried every day, was being used against her in the worst way. Never had she imagined feeling such hopelessness, such pain. Olivia made the mistake of letting her eyes wander to Lewis' as he smiled.

The look of utter agony on her face was a beautiful thing for him to see. He'd been waiting for that kind of an expression. The cuts and burns he'd inflicted had left her exhibiting a face filled with great physical discomfort, but this one was so different, so much better. It was a face that held physical pain and defeat all at once.

"Nice fit." He felt himself growing larger in his jeans, but he kept his mind sharp. He couldn't take her now, not with the car sitting in the driveway. He needed his time with her, and if someone called the police, that would never happen.

He twisted the gun without withdrawing it, causing agonizing sounds to come from the powerful Olivia Benson's pitiful mouth. Lewis grit his teeth together as he moved it again.

Olivia had her lip between her teeth as she bowed her head further and let the tears stream down her face. He couldn't see her. She knew that much as her hair fell in front of her face. She felt her insides begging him to stop, but she allowed her mouth to say nothing. That was what he wanted more than anything: a plea. And she wouldn't give it to him. She'd rather die with what tattered dignity she had left than satisfy him, pleading him to stop.

_I tried so hard a__nd got so far, b__ut in the end it__ doesn't even matter._

_I had to fall, t__o lose it all, b__ut in the end i__t doesn't even matter._

_It doesn't even matter._ The words played over and over in her head.

Lewis had words in his head too._ You have to stop._ He was telling himself.

Time had passed quickly, and every minute that ticked by meant more of a chance someone would spot the van as it sat in the driveway of the idle beach house.

_You'll have her later._ His mind worked hard to tell his hands to stop, and they finally did, removing her weapon from her body. Lewis was pleased with the small trickle of blood that accompanied it.

Olivia didn't look up, but instead waited in silence for him to finish. Lewis pushed the gun back to her face, forcing it into her mouth again. Olivia choked on her own fluids that covered the weapon.

"Good stuff, isn't it." Lewis smiled at the face she was making.

Olivia couldn't stop it. As the her own blood touched her tongue, her stomach hurtled its contents to the surface, forcing them out of her mouth.

Lewis removed her gun as he watched her puke violently.

The convulsions caused unbearable, torturous discomfort to envelope her injured ribs, sending forces of distress to every nerve in her broken body. The pains grew in intensity as they shot towards her head. When they reached her throbbing brain, Olivia lost her grip on the world, and slipped into the darkness of the unknown.

Lewis watched all of it happen in mere seconds. What a sight. Olivia was still his. He still had time to destroy her forever, break her beyond repair.

_And I will._ He vowed._ I will._

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**If you have any concerns or general comments, feedback would be absolutely appreciated, whether it be a DM or a review. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Post-Mortem Blues**

Olivia was sitting alone, like she'd requested to be. The pale walls of the hospital reflected the dim light entering through the three windows. Her eyes were still wide open, staring at an invisible object in a realm mirroring reality. It had been seven hours since she'd felt his blood splatter on her face. It seemed like an eternity. Though it was gone, Olivia could still feel a strange numbness where the crimson evidence of Lewis' death had settled deep into her skin.

The adrenaline that had been keeping her awake had run out hours before, but still she blinked alertly. Her body was running on empty.

When the door opened, Olivia found Munch standing before her. She'd seen him earlier when he had come by to make sure she was alright. He had no hint of his humorous disposition as he came in cautiously.

"Liv, I know you want some quiet, but Brian has been calling me every two minutes." Munch stopped near her bed, changing the subject without a second thought.

"How are you feeling?" He shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I'm alright." Olivia swallowed hard. His presence relieved her. Still, in the back of her mind, Brian was still in the dark about it all.

"Could I use your cell to call him? I'll get him to quit bugging you." Her face remained deadpan as she spoke.

Munch nodded. "Bless your heart, Liv."

His humor came back effortlessly, earning him a small twinkle in Olivia's eye. Life was going to go on. She already saw it happening. It didn't stop just for her.

Munch handed her his phone and turned to leave. Just as he got to the door, he looked back.

"Oh, and could you tell him his ass is mine for failing to return my favorite tie in time?" He found a small smile on Olivia's lips. He'd done his job. He'd gotten her to smile.

And as he left, Olivia heard him mumbling to himself, just loud enough for her to hear. "It's been three years."

She watched her friend disappear and felt her smile fade. Talking to Brian wasn't something she wanted to do, especially since the last time she'd spoken to him, they had thought their trials were over. This would be her first recovery that she'd have to go through without him. Olivia held the phone, unable to dial. A tear surfaced. She did miss him, but parting was a change they'd agreed to make.

Now, knowing that it was Lewis who had indirectly brought them closer - possibly even set them apart - Olivia had to figure out what to say. Brian had reminded her she'd never talked to him about any of what Lewis had done to her. But she felt she'd had no choice. Was it really him she was protecting by keeping her burden? Or was she just trying to protect herself? Her thoughts halted altogether when the phone lit up. Brian was on the other end. It took a long moment for Olivia to bring it to her ear.

"Brian." She answered softly.

The sudden, audible inhale on his end hurt her heart. He was worried - she knew he would be.

_"Liv - oh god - are you - how are you?"_ Brian had great difficulty stitching a sentence together. Just the sound of her voice was the confirmation he had needed to know she really was safe.

"I'm ok. Really, I am. He didn't - hurt me." Physically, her wrists were bruised, along with her cheek, but Brian didn't need to know that. She was doing it again, keeping it bottled up.

Then, neither of them said anything. They didn't have to. The silence, knowing that they were so close to one another, was comfort beyond what words could deliver. Olivia breathed easily, reveling in the realization that even though they weren't together anymore, they weren't apart either. The bond they had wasn't broken, just increased by distance.

One teardrop squeezed through the barrier over Olivia's closed eyes as she let the emotions begin to show. The adrenaline was long gone. She had no more energy to hide what she felt.

Brian stood in his dark living room, his elbow resting on the wall as his hand cradled his head. The worry wasn't gone, but it was relief that dominated his heart.

"He's dead." The shake Olivia's voice held threw a giant marble into his throat.

William Lewis was dead. Brian couldn't say anything in reply. He'd lost the ability to speak.

Olivia wasn't expecting an answer. She just had to let him know. The man whose torture had brought them to a new level of dependence - whose actions left holes and secrets in their relationship, bringing it down - was dead.

Brian swallowed hard. It was to no avail. The pressure in his throat remained.

_"I saw the story - from the news crews there. They heard a shot, and they didn't say who had gone down." _

He was speaking so fast that he didn't have time to hesitate. His thoughts immediately came out as words. The words stopped, though, when he remembered seeing the aerial helicopter shots of the granary, the panic he'd felt when the reporter breathlessly announced that a shot had been fired.

Their cameras had captured the ambulance speeding by, a fleet of police personnel raving after it. For hours, Brian was left to wonder, had Lewis taken the life of the woman he still loved?

_"I thought it was you."_ His breath hitched as he finished.

Olivia opened her eyes as a merciless flashback began.

"I lost."

She saw Lewis' gun at her head again, his mouth silently moving:_ "game over."_

Brian held his confusion to himself. Then it dissolved altogether. He was sure of what was happening. It had taken Olivia months to stop reliving her first attack. It had only been mere hours since her last.

"He was going to shoot me-" Olivia felt Lewis put his iron hands on her jaw, holding it painfully as she prepared for the shot that would end her life "-but he turned the gun on himself."

The spontaneous confession came without any trouble. She had no room within her to seal it inside.

Brian swallowed harder than before.

Lewis' face dissolved from in front of hers. The flashback was over. Her free hand covered her eyes as her raw emotions let loose. A sharp breath caught in her throat as her tears began, wetting her face with evidence of her mortality. She was alive. He was dead. Yet she could still feel his lips on hers, his hands roaming free, dipping into her pants as he tore at her belt.

Brian's eyes closed as he sank to the floor, his back resting against the wall as he listened to her pain. He cried tears of his own.

Olivia froze when she felt her feet duct taped to the table. Another flashback took her by force.

_Lewis walked behind her as she gave in. There was no stopping it this time. He was wasting no time, ready to rape her on her own command. She'd never been in that position before. Lewis had given her a choice, and she'd told him what to do. And he was doing it._

_"Liv." _Brian had to interject. He knew what her silence meant. He couldn't know what she was seeing, but he could bring her back from it.

_"Liv." _He tried again as the muted quiet on the other end became eerie.

Olivia was yanked back to the present, her eyes wide, a bead of sweat rolling down her forehead.

"Thank you." The mutter was different from her other answers when Brian had brought her back before. It was relieving. Her usual _"I'm sorry"_ was an unknowing display, an admittance of shame. That loss of confidence and security seemed less pressing as she thanked him for bringing her out of an agonizing reliving.

Olivia didn't know what she'd said until her mind repeated it - _Thank you._

Brian took an incredibly deep breath. He knew with that one little sign that she was going to get better. She already was. _"You're going to get through this." _

Olivia nodded after pausing to let it sink in. She'd already known that.

"Yeah." She agreed. "I am."

Another bout of a different kind of silence, one of great and strange beauty, fell between them. Olivia knew he was right. Lewis was dead. She had her life to recover. He never would. That sense of safety gave her an uplifting push of confidence and power. Lewis had tried to take it away, but he couldn't, not unless he'd taken her life.

Brian felt a weary smile light up his face. Olivia could sense it as he spoke. _"You take care of yourself, Olivia."_

She sighed, feeling a grin of her own. "I will. You too, Brian."

A pause.

"Oh, and Munch said he wants his tie back."

She heard Brian chuckle a little on the other end. Her smile took a great amount of energy. It was hard to keep it up, but it was there. That was all that mattered.

_ "I'll see what I can do."_ He already felt lighter. If it was possible, he missed her even more after hearing her voice again. He wanted to have her right there, always just a breath away as she recovered. But he could already hear her exhaustion.

"Thanks for calling." Olivia's voice was softer than it had ever been. It didn't phase her. After feeling the release, the weight lifted off of her with one simple phone call, she knew that she needed to have help and support.

Brian was again at a loss for words. He replied anyway. _"Let me know if there's anything I can do." _

Olivia nodded even though she knew he couldn't see her. "I will. Bye, Brian."

_ "Bye, Liv." _

After the call ended, she allowed her hand to linger at her ear. _What a good man._

As if on cue, a cautious knock came at the door. She said nothing, seeing Munch enter again as she dropped the phone to her lap.

He immediately saw how red her eyes were. It had been a powerful phone call. Munch didn't say anything, taking a seat on the edge of Olivia's bed. Her hand fit comfortably in his.

"So?" He nearly whispered. Not even he knew what he was questioning.

"I don't think you're getting your tie back." The sliver of a sad smile disappeared from her as quickly as it had come.

Her voice dropped. "He's still a good man."

A blur of new tears never made it out of her eyes. Munch gave her hand a gentle squeeze as he smiled. He said nothing.

"Always was." Her whisper was a relief to him.

Though they'd parted, Olivia held no resentment. Neither did Brian. Olivia broke eye contact for a moment, but Munch caught her gaze again as she spoke, her confidence an incredible admiration.

"I'm going to be ok."

Munch felt his chest swell with so many different emotions. He missed working with Olivia, seeing her every day. He felt terrible grief knowing she'd suffered two hard battles after he'd left: the trial, and now this. Still, her courage amazed him.

"I never had any doubts about that." He showed everything he felt. "But when there are days when you're not ok, I'm ready to take them on with you."

Olivia used what she had left to smile again even as the pressure in her airway increased. Her nod was short and concise, but it channelled so many things.

"I won't ever be able to thank you enough for that." The end of the sentence trailed into oblivion as she struggled against her tears.

Munch grinned a little again. "You don't have to."

What he said was not what she'd been expecting. In all reality, she didn't know what she had been expecting to hear.

"Because that's what I'm here for; Same goes for everyone else." Neither said a thing until Munch stood up.

"Another one of my jobs is harassing the people around here to get you out of this place." He let go of her hand as Olivia let the freeing feeling of another smile flicker across her face.

"We'll get you out of here soon, Liv." He stopped at the door briefly before vanishing.

Olivia, though she was alone, fell asleep clinging to Munch's phone. He left it with her, understanding its value. It wasn't just a phone. It was a connection to everyone and anyone she might need. One push of a button would get her the comfort of a voice that she needed to hear. The phone lay with her, making the world seem a lot less frightening with Nick, Amanda, Munch, Fin, or her captain just a phone call away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Surrender Benson**

The hospital had kept her prisoner for two nights following Lewis' vicious attack, after her team had rescued her from that dismal beach house. Her body ached, but the visible injuries were far less painful than the ones that seared her heart. Every time her eyes had shut from exhaustion, Olivia saw and felt everything he'd done to her. The reliving and replaying never ended.

It was so bad the first night that the nurses sedated her in order to give her a peaceful rest. The second night was different. She kept herself under control as the flashbacks bombarded her memories in sleep. The restless night yielded to a quiet day of more of the same. Brian sat with her as she fought against the sharp fingers beckoning her into the past. It felt like she was on an endless treadmill. It felt like every time she turned around, he was coming back.

Then they had released her from the hospital. She walked stiffly, her ribs mending along with her broken wrist and bruised, burned, cut body. Brian helped her, and that only made it hurt more. Her independence was gone. She had no choice but to be dependent. She could hardly stay upright by herself. She needed help. Lewis had been striving to take her power from her, and no matter how much she told herself that he hadn't, she held the pain that he had. The power was still there, but her confidence was in shambles.

As she walked from the elevator with Brian to his apartment, her face fell into the expressionless default she held inside her. She was numb, even with the flashbacks living in her very blood, ready to strike her again at any time. The sound Brian's keys made in the door made her jump, immediately taking her back to the chair she was tied to in her own living room just two days before. Her breath caught in her throat as every limb in her body froze stiff.

_Her eyes widened as the first key neared her chest, Lewis smiling right in front of her as he took her power to stop him away. He told her she couldn't say no. And she couldn't. _

Brian opened the door, turning to find Olivia stuck in a time past. He reached out as a bead of sweat rolled down her face, unable to move her eyes from their fixed position. His hand gently closed around her arm as he sought to bring her back, a spear in his heart seeing her like that again.

Her mind snapped to the reality in which she dwelled, maybe not her mind but her body. Every muscle in her jerked at the touch of Brian's hand, though it was gentle. It rattled her so violently that her heart sounded in her ears. Immediately, she did what she always did.

"I'm sorry." She apologized for leaving him in his world alone.

Brian shook his head as he let go of her arm, opening the door to his apartment. "It's alright."

He hated hearing her apologize for having flashbacks. It wasn't her fault Lewis had kidnapped and assaulted her. He hated hearing the words that indicated she still harbored shame.

Olivia followed him into the apartment, every sense on overdrive as she investigated silently. Every shadow had her on high alert. Her nose caught a whiff of familiarity: Brian. His soft, easy smell was a small comfort to her as she stood in the middle of the room. She'd known his apartment like the back of her hand before, but standing there, scanning the area for threats, it became foreign. The little sounds of the clock ticking, the fridge running, the drip in Brian's sink transformed from their innocent nature to a serious threat.

Olivia pulled her good hand into a fist at her side as she stood there, every emotion she'd experienced in her life rushing upon her at once. She was terrified that those sounds would turn to imminent danger even as her mind told her that it was nothing to be afraid of.

Her body grew frustrated over the confusion, responding to threats that weren't there.

She felt anger filtering through her terror as she clenched her fists. Lewis had lived. After everything he'd done to her, she'd let him live. She was mad at herself. She was mad at the world, almost as mad as she was scared.

She'd been telling victims that nothing was ever their fault, and yet she felt the blame she was projecting in herself. She knew better. And that was it. She should have protected herself.

Now, something as simple as a car horn or a police siren could send her into a panic. The siren had been something she'd heard for years, but when she'd heard it coming from outside of that car, held captive in the back of the vehicle, she'd hoped, prayed that it was her team coming to rescue her. The false hope had created an abyss of torturous memories whenever she heard that sound replayed.

Brian watched Olivia stand completely frozen in the middle of his living room as he made his way to the bedroom to drop off her bags. He left her out of his sight for only a moment, and he returned to find her eyes locked on a fixed, invisible object as her body went rigid. It was like someone else was staring out of those eyes he'd known for so long. The brown had shifted to a cold gray, icy stares all she was capable of giving. If there was anything he could do to go back and change what had happened, Brian knew he would do it in the blink of an eye.

_Olivia saw Lewis descending on her again as she lay, handcuffed to the bed. He pulled the sleeve of her shirt gently as she began to struggle for words. The can opener sliced it easily as he smiled in her face. _

"Olivia."

The voice came from far away. It sounded as if it were coming from within a vacuum of time.

"Liv."

Just as Lewis touched her, Olivia snapped back out of the past trauma she found herself living in more often than not. Brian was standing in front of her again. She felt as unresponsive as she looked. She didn't even feel human anymore. Lewis had taken her freedom, independence, confidence, and strength in just four days, and she honestly didn't want to find out what she'd have to go through to get any of it back.

It didn't seem real that she'd ever be able to get back to a normal life. The pain of having to relive her attack every minute of every day was taking its toll. If it kept up, she knew she'd collapse under the weight it threw on her. Still, she found solace in Brian's eyes as he looked at her, concerned. Her wrist throbbed as she let her injured hand lay cradled in the sling near her chest. Her head spun, its wounds visible to others unable to overpower the pain of the bruise inside.

All she could do was stand there. She hadn't said so much as two words since they'd been allowed to visit her in the hospital. It scared Brian deeply. Going so long without hearing her voice was not something he was accustomed to. He was relieved beyond words that she was alive, but it seemed like something inside her had shifted dramatically.

"Please don't say you're sorry." Brian let himself say it softly.

Olivia blinked coherently at him as she swallowed hard, feeling her guilt take over. He took a step toward her and took her one good hand in his as she nodded.

"None of this is fair to you." He felt the lump he'd had for almost a week make its presence known again.

"But absolutely none of it is your fault." Even though he was very aware she said that on a daily basis, he could see hear and see that she was feeling what every other victim did. She was blaming herself for circumstances out of her control.

Olivia felt her dry eyes remain, even as tears wished they could spill. There was no more of that emotion left. She was too tired to try and dig deeper for its remnants. Just hearing the words made the burden a little lighter. She couldn't find her words to thank him, but she nodded again, needing to make sure he knew she heard and understood him.

She could see the fear he harbored as he looked at her and how listless she was. She wished there was something she could do, and she found it right in that moment. Olivia could talk to him in safety. She swallowed harder than the first time.

"I'm still me."

The whisper almost took Brian to his knees. His hands shook as his own tears flowed for both him and Olivia. He knew she was still in there. To hear her say she was, calling out for help from deep within her lost vessel, only made him more sure. Olivia wasn't gone, she was just different. She was reeling from a dehumanizing attack. That was enough to destroy any person, but Olivia remained in tact, holding her pieces together as she walked beneath Lewis' dark cloud.

"I know." He nodded back through his tears, bringing her into a tight hug.

Olivia squeezed him as hard as she could with the arm she could offer. Her eyes closed on his shoulder as she felt safe for the first time in a week.

"I'm going to be right here." He spoke the muffled sentence into her ear as he made her the promise he'd already made.

She held him tight, wanting to say to him over and over _"love me until I'm me again." _Her mouth just couldn't form the words coming from her heart.

Brian let go of her hesitantly and they both headed to their bedroom to see if getting any sleep was possible. It wasn't. Olivia was prisoner again in ever single nightmare she had. Sometimes Brian could hear her whimpering quietly, her body unable to be awoken as she ran from a man in her mind. He had to make a choice, and he did. He didn't wake her. As much as it hurt him, her sleep was better terrifying than nonexistent. She had to sleep or she'd self destruct.

So he laid in bed, facing the wall as he listened to the sounds of Olivia being burned, cut, hit. He wanted to die. He'd never heard pain like he was hearing through her unconsciousness. He hoped she wasn't feeling the physical pain it seemed like she was experiencing.

The nightmares became so intense that at 3:00, Olivia jolted awake, sitting straight up in bed as her chest heaved. Her eyes darted around the room as she fumbled for the lamp next to the bed. Her panic was complete. She didn't know where she was. Had she been dreaming? Or was it a dream that she'd ever been rescued? Her eyes were stuck as wide as they could go. The feeling of another hand touching hers made her immediately react with a violent swing, causing her so much agony she bent over cradling her broken wrist.

Brian spoke quickly, trying to bring her out of her trance.

"Liv. Liv, it's ok. You're safe. It was a nightmare."

His shaky hands reached for her shoulders as she realized where she was. The tears weren't able to hide anymore. The emotion recharged itself, letting clear drops stream down her face as she leaned into Brian. The world she'd owned wasn't safe anymore. She saw Lewis everywhere.

She had to sleep because all she did when she was awake was think, and she had to stay awake because every time she closed her eyes, she relived it all. It was a never-ending cycle that felt powerful enough to take her life. Her life had imploded, shattering in on itself in billions of pieces, impossible to put together again. Her body trembled as Brian held her.

"Shhh." His voice kept her in the same world he was in even as she closed her eyes in hopelessness.

"This can't last forever." He assured her as he did himself.

He had no idea what she was reliving. He had no way of knowing until she told him, but he wanted the endless pain to fade.

Olivia heard him, but did nothing to acknowledge him. It couldn't last forever. But it felt like it might.


	11. Chapter 11

**I really apologize for the span between updates. I just moved into college and have been uber busy with getting used to it and figuring out classes and things. I will write and post when I can, but it will be unpredictable for a while. Thank you for sticking with this even through my negligence!**

* * *

**Post-Mortem Blues**

Nick had his hand on his shaking partner's shoulder as they led her from the scariest place he'd ever seen. The grain terminal towered above their heads, harboring the body of William Lewis, not even cold yet. As Nick and Lt. Murphy led Olivia out to the first squad car they could find, her gaze remained unwaveringly fixed.

The blood on her face was still wet, making Nick's knees weak. He had no way of knowing everything that had happened to her in that oppressive structure. He wasn't sure he wanted to. He'd seen her legs taped to the table, her hand cuffed. She had been at Lewis' mercy entirely. And he'd used that advantage he'd created for himself. Nick had also seen, even though Olivia pulled her shirt down to try and cover it, that her belt was undone, her pants unbuttoned and unzipped. It physically hurt to think that Lewis had gone that far. He couldn't have.

Olivia was unresponsive as they sat her down in the car. Murphy shared a few words with her, instructing her not to talk to anyone, telling her she did good, before shutting the door. Nick pressed on the gas slowly, even though he felt so rattled. Any movement was sure to launch her into a panic. He'd seen it before. And he wouldn't do it to her again.

Her eyes were wide and unseeing as she stared into a different world.

It was scary. It was scarier than the first time he'd driven her to the hospital from that beach house. The injuries on her now were different. It wasn't her blood she was wearing, but her perpetrator's. Still, Lewis had injured her. This time it was just the wounds that were more traumatic, harder to heal - the internal ones.

He glanced up in the mirror at least once every minute, checking to see if there was any change. Olivia was too far away to notice. She didn't even know where she was.

:::

_His hands grabbed her breasts as he stood behind her, his hips pinning hers to the table. His lips then covered hers as he moved his hands to grip her face. _

_She couldn't move. There was hardly struggle she could give him, which she knew he wanted. She froze as she prepared for the inevitable. _

_His kisses moved to her neck as she gripped the table with everything she had. Maybe if she held it hard enough, he wouldn't have a chance to do what he wished. _

_It happened so fast. _

_His hands were at her belt in mere seconds, ripping it apart as he made noises of approval with his mouth. His fingers tore her pants open as he moved them next to her skin. _

_She stopped struggling against him as he went further. He was already so worked up. No amount of struggle would keep him from taking all she had left_.

:::

Nick didn't say anything. He wanted to bring her back from the pain she was so obviously reliving, but he couldn't. She was in such severe shock that he didn't know what she'd do if she was brought out of it.

He kept his acceleration steady. He needed to get to the hospital. She'd been with Lewis long enough.

The crimson on her face gave him chills like he'd never had. It looked like she'd been crying tears of blood that now streamed down her face in permanent marks of emotion, emotion that had long since disappeared. It was haunting to Nick.

He cursed when Olivia caught his eye in the mirror.

It was like she couldn't see him. She could, but she didn't know how. His face was unfamiliar to her. All comfort she'd ever had was lost. She could feel the blood on her face burning her skin.

He was dead. He was dead and he wouldn't stop taunting her. She wore him on her face.

Nick apologized for his stare, still not believing that she could hear him. Her eyes darted back to the window.

:::

_Amelia was turned around, but Olivia knew she could hear. She'd be able to hear when the bullet went through her head. She'd be able to hear when Olivia killed herself to save her. _

_The cold metal of the gun pressed into her hair, keeping her as grounded as she'd ever get. When she drew it away again, unwilling to take her first turn, Lewis pointed his gun at his youngest victim. _

_Amelia turned around, crying out. Her eyes caught Olivia's as a tear dropped down her cheek. _

_It was already determined what would happen. Olivia had unconsciously decided when she'd followed Lewis' trail and gave herself to him willingly. Their battle wasn't with Amelia. _

_Olivia knew her pain didn't have to affect that little girl. So she went to die._

:::

Nick couldn't see the Olivia he knew within those dark eyes staring out the window. His heart trembled as his hands and feet did. It was the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen.

Even the first time, Olivia's injuries had been horrific, but this time he couldn't see them. This time everything that Lewis might have had the chance to do, the final chance, played over and over in his mind. It wasn't anything simple either. Olivia was deep in a murky world that she didn't seem to know how to get out of.

Nick swallowed painfully as he fought tears. It was a relief to have her back, but he kept asking himself – did they really have her back? And then an echo within him repeated – _what had Lewis done?_

Olivia could feel the car moving beneath her, the tires on the pavement going faster than they should have been, but still she felt like she was frozen. She could see the buildings of Manhattan looming in the distance over the bridge, the traffic moving to the sides as the sirens screamed from their vehicle, but she could hardly see anything besides images burned into her mind by the hours that had passed.

Nick maneuvered through the traffic that was courteous enough to pull over, but he had no choice but slam on the brakes when a car swerved into their lane just feet in front of them.

Olivia's body immediately reacted before her mind could rationalize.

Nick could hear her inhale sharply as her eyes widened again, fixed on an invisible object. She was gone.

:::

_Her body shook as she held the gun to her head, preparing for death. Amelia was turned around, her head hung low as she waited for the game to end. Olivia put her finger on the trigger, the cold ricocheting into her bones. There was no other alternative. She had to shoot, or he would. _

_That was what scared her the most, the feeling that she'd rather her own hand take her life than the man pointing the other gun at her face. He'd taken so much of everything else. He wouldn't have that. _

_The trigger was harder to pull than she had remembered, even after fifteen years on the force. The gun was so heavy that her hand shook. She was as trapped as she'd ever been. Her legs were bound to the table, her hand cuffed as Lewis gave her the freedom only to shoot herself. _

_Olivia's eyes locked briefly with her assailant's, and she did what she had to. The click of the gun had her quietly sobbing until she realized what it meant. She closed her eyes. _

_She was still there with him. She was still trapped. There was no way to win. Not ever._

:::

When Nick braked again, he glanced in the rearview mirror to find Olivia look up at him quickly. Then her voice came, urgently, rushed.

"I lost. I lost, and he was going to kill me."

Nick didn't know what to do. Would she even hear him if he spoke?

"But he turned the gun on himself. He killed himself. He shot himself – and I can't –"

The words were coming from a panicked state of shock. Even so, she could hear herself saying them, and she understood.

She couldn't get the image out of her head. The bullet that took his life was the one that had been waiting to take hers. It had been her bullet to take. Her attacker had saved her life, and she hated him for it. He'd saved her life to ensure that she'd never forget the end of his.

"Liv." Nick tried to get through.

She didn't respond. Her eyes kept his in the mirror.

"Olivia."

Olivia heard him.

"Nick." She replied softly. His body was covered in goose bumps at the sound of his own name. It was so simple, but it meant she was still in there.

"You did what you had to do." He selected his words slowly and carefully.

The world became real as Olivia listened to him. A tear mingled in the blood on her face, smearing as the salty drop weaved its way down her cheek. The emotions were returning, and all she could feel was pain – pain that made her wish she didn't have to start all over again.

"You're still here." He tried to cover the hitch in his voice when he said it.

He didn't want to have to think about burying his partner ever again. In a year, he'd almost had to do it twice. He took a silent vow never to let that happen again.

Olivia nodded, nearly whispering her reply. "What's left of me."


	12. Chapter 12

**Post-Mortem Blues**

Olivia's body throbbed in numbness as she sat in a fog atop the hospital table. Her arms were shaking as she tried to keep her breathing under control. She'd seen Nick leave the room, but she'd made him promise to come back. He had.

She sat waiting as her face burned. She could feel the life of her worst enemy on her face. She wore the evidence of his death. She could see it in the corners of her eyes. His blood, his brain had shattered on her face. She'd seen it. And now she wore memories in his head on her body. His mind was on her, in her, around her. It was worse that she could feel it sticking to her. She just wanted it off.

The nurse returned with the medication to lower her blood pressure. Olivia took it gratefully, almost hoping she'd take too much. She wanted out. She was done. Her body and soul were on the bottom looking up toward the surface, knowing there was no way to swim to the top. She didn't even remember how to swim.

The door opened again, startling her. Her nerves tensed as her entire body lurched in surprise and panic. Every sound sent her closer to the edge of insanity.

Nick closed the door slowly, seeing how badly it had scared her. He cursed in his head, knowing better.

"Liv." He made sure she could hear him.

The tears mingling with Lewis' blood on her face made his knees weak. He wanted to get it off of her. He had to.

"Are you done here?" He asked the nurse, sounding more challenging than he meant to.

Olivia waited for the answer with what hope she had left.

The nurse nodded, "CSU says they're done processing."

Olivia held the patch to her arm as it bled. The hospital had done more physical damage to her than Lewis had that same day. She stared hopefully up at Nick. The nurse left as Nick grabbed a wet wipe from the counter behind him.

"Let's get that off you."

She silently thanked him. Her eyes looked so terrified, so full of need. He could see her drowning, and he wasn't going to let it happen as her attacker still laid upon her. Olivia let go of her arm, not caring if she bled. She took her hand and reached for Nick's free one as he wiped the streaks of blood from her forehead.

She closed her eyes, feeling the stinging stop. Nick fought the lump in his throat as he held his partner's hand. He had to steady his own as he gently removed the blood from her. It scared him. He couldn't imagine what she had seen.

He swallowed hard as the wipe became unusable, stained entirely with red. He turned behind him to grab another, realizing that Olivia's grip tightened. She kept her eyes closed, wanting nothing more in her life than someone to lead her, someone to take care of her. Nick was doing just that. She couldn't be independent in that moment. She didn't have any pride left.

The evidence of the last moment of Lewis' life came off slowly, streaks still staining Olivia's cheeks. Nick lost his battle against his tears when he saw and felt her new tears fall onto his hand as he wiped her cheek.

Olivia could feel again. The touch Nick offered provided her an anecdote to her soul's numbness. Suddenly she could feel the pain again. She could feel everything. The images remained, but the contact she held with Nick eased them. It reminded her she was still safe.

Nick let his own tear slide down his cheek as he held down sobs. The entire world quieted as he squeezed Olivia's hand, removing the last of the blood from her face. When he glanced down to the crimson that stained her neck and collarbone, he saw something that nearly brought him down.

The only area on her chest untouched by Lewis' blood was her gold-plated necklace. The word remained untainted. It hit him hard. Olivia was fearless. She always had been. Lewis never changed that.

Olivia felt him reach to her necklace. She hadn't realized up until that moment that she still had it. Another tear escaped from her eye and dropped to his arm. Nick threw the last wipe away, taking Olivia's other hand in his own. She opened her eyes as she held a calmness within her. Her eyes met his and didn't stray. He held every feeling she gave as he looked at her, into her.

Olivia saw that his gaze hadn't changed when he looked at her. She saw the concern. She saw the terror of the future. But she also saw him looking at her like she was still her. Her hands enclosed in his spread a complete sense of security through her. Nick took a deep breath without bothering to wipe the tears from his face.

Olivia stood up slowly as her eyes clouded with tears again. What he'd just done had meant more to her than he could ever know. She knew he wouldn't judge her tears.

"Thank you." Her whisper was one laced with every emotion in her.

Nick felt his own tears threatening again.

The two moved together, letting go and grabbing on at the same time. Their hands let go and their arms took one another. Their embrace was one so tight that not even Lewis' reigning terror over Olivia's tattered soul could break it. Olivia's fingers curled into Nick's back as she held him, squeezing her eyes shut as she kept her iron grip.

Nick let his emotion out in his tight grip too. He wrapped his arms as far around his best friend as they could go. He held her shoulder with his chin as he closed his eyes, letting the silence mend them both. It lasted for long minutes.

Olivia felt the images in her head, the pain in her heart making themselves known. She let her fear and relief show at the same time as she wetted Nick's shoulder with her tears.

Nick tightened his grip as he felt her sobs wracking his own body against her. His tears fell down his cheeks at the same time. There was no stopping the flow of every feeling he'd had in the year that lay behind them. Lewis had taken a piece of him and changed it forever as he'd threatened to take his partner forever.

That was the moment they both knew he was gone. They both believed it.

Olivia let her cries die off as exhaustion finally set in. But she didn't let go. She moved to rest her cheek on his, leaning into him and giving him the weight to bear. She knew he'd take it.

Nick did. He held her a little lighter then, moving his hand over her back as gently as he could. The replays in Olivia's head fell into darkness as she felt nothing but comfort. She let her weary body collapse into his. Her tears stopped. Her face felt every draft in the room ricochet off the rivers down her cheeks. The world seemed so much less scary in Nick's arms. Life seemed worth living.

Nick rocked her smoothly as he let his world disappear. She _was_ the world to him. She was right there with him, living, breathing. If he had a choice, he would never let go. The healing began right in that room. Lewis' power disappeared. They both held onto the realization that he'd never had any to begin with.


	13. Chapter 13

**Beast's Obsession**

Olivia was staring into the face of William Lewis, The Beast, as her hands cuffed behind her lost all feeling. The gusts of wind billowing through the open spaces in the walls of the old granary blew her hair into her eyes, but they couldn't stray from the man.

"Cut her down." She used her words to try and negotiate Amelia's release. It wasn't fair that little girl had to be dragged into their battle.

"You have me now."

Lewis took out the knife in his bag as he held his gun in the other hand. He enjoyed the fact that this time, Olivia had no place to run. She didn't want to escape. She knew she couldn't. She was there to save Amelia, and as long as he had the young girl, Olivia was his to do with what he pleased.

Olivia waited for his answer nervously.

"The thing is, now I've got both of you. So I can do you, let her watch. Or I could cut her down, do her let you watch. I'm fine either way."

The grin that spread across his face sent coils of chills down Olivia's spine into every nerve in her body. Her legs trembled. She had to make the choice. She already had. The worst part was she could see that he wanted to hear it.

"So what's it gonna be?" He held the knife to her as she held herself together.

She didn't glance back to look at Amelia. She didn't have to to know the fear in her little heart. Olivia swallowed her pride. She swallowed everything she'd gained back during her recovery from his last assault - confidence, strength, and power. It was gone in that moment as she told him.

"Rape me."

The words tasted like vinegar. They hurt her almost physically as they came out. The shake in her voice was obvious, but she didn't have the energy to care. This time he would take it all. She'd escaped it too many times. Even as she wanted nothing more than to look away from Lewis' grin, Olivia kept her gaze locked on him.

Lewis felt the rush of excitement through his bloodstream plummet south. Olivia was finally going to be his. All of her.

She stared at him, waiting for him to start. How would he do it? Years of avoiding and fighting against being raped, here she was telling Lewis to do it to her. There was no worse feeling than the one she harbored as she replayed the words she'd just spoken. She'd never choose that, but now she had to.

Before, she fought him almost to the death to keep him from raping her. That had changed. Lewis had known how to get what he wanted. He had known how to establish the sick relationship even Olivia couldn't deny they had by kidnapping a little girl.

Lewis gripped her arm, turning her towards the only object in the room: a large metal table. He walked her to the edge of it as she said nothing, her body rigid as it prepared to take what it had to. He pushed her against it, her pelvis hitting it hard as she faced the long end. She flinched when he kicked at her feet, spreading them until they hit both legs of the table.

Olivia forced herself to breathe as normally as she could. She could already feel the pain. He was taking away every chance of escape she had, an escape she wouldn't try to make because if Amelia. The tape made her jump as it tightened around her ankles. It chilled her blood as she realized how incapable she was becoming to protect herself. Now she was giving up everything to protect someone else. That was her job.

It wouldn't have mattered if Lewis hadn't taped her to the table, if he didn't have her cuffed. She still wouldn't have run. She couldn't just leave Amelia to suffer the consequences of a fight between the two of them. As hard as it would have been, she would have taken everything Lewis inflicted even unrestrained.

Her eyes closed, trying to take herself somewhere else. She had to remove herself before he started or she'd be stuck with him in that room forever. Olivia took deep breaths, seeing her partner's face in the darkness as she kept her eyes shut. She knew he was looking for her. They all were. But they'd be too late, too late to stop this.

After Lewis was finished - she didn't know what was coming. She didn't have the capacity to think about all of that. Would he kill her? Should she fight back right now instead of letting him rape her only to kill them both later? No. She couldn't. He had a knife and a gun. She didn't even have hands.

Lewis startled her when he uncuffed her right hand, moving to cuff her left hand to the table. Olivia gripped it hard as her eyes flew open again. The cold of the table seeped into her veins. He wanted her to be able to struggle. He was making it so that she could, just enough. His footsteps took him back around to the side of the table. He touched her cheek as she kept her eyes off of him. She stared straight ahead. As hard as she tried, she couldn't remove herself from her captivity - neither in her mind nor in her reality.

Lewis saw right through her. It was an eerie connection between the two opposites. Lewis was the monster she'd fought in all forms for 15 years, yet their minds were connected deeply. The experiences he'd forced her to have, the trauma he'd put her through had created that connection. Olivia wished she could rid herself of it, but it was too strong, too deep. Lewis enjoyed using it, if only because he knew how much it hurt her.

He dragged his fingers along her jawbone as he smiled.

"Say it again." He demanded forcefully, though he was quiet.

Olivia swallowed again, refusing silently. She wouldn't say it again.

When she heard Amelia whimpering again, she jerked her head to the side to find Lewis staring straight at her, his gun on the girl.

"Say it again." Lewis repeated, smiling as he used the girl to his advantage. He'd known it would work.

Olivia felt a lump in her throat, everything in her telling her not to, but she knew she had no choice. He'd taken that freedom away. She suppressed her tears.

"Rape me." The break in her voice made the second word almost inaudible. Her eyes caught Amelia's, and in that moment, the words became ok. She was doing it all to make sure Amelia would be able to live her life without Lewis in it.

Olivia had to save her life. No one else could. If suffering a violent, intimate assault was the only way to do that, she was ready.

Olivia closed her eyes.

_I'm ready._


	14. Chapter 14

In that scene where Lewis is taking Olivia into the depths of the granary, the most terrifyingly powerful moment to me was the expression and urgency Olivia had to save Amelia - and the silent affirmation that she was willing to do anything to do that. It strikes me every time. Somehow, when Lewis told her he as going to be Amelia's "first," something changed in Olivia's expression. It seemed like with the tables turned and another - this time young - victim in his hands, it became easier for her to come to terms with her role in the situation. She was ready to sacrifice everything for that little girl, and I couldn't let the opportunity to write her thoughts (and a little alternative action) go by.

* * *

**Beast's Obsession**

Olivia was already trapped when Lewis stopped her on the wooden staircase of the crumbling grain terminal. She had walked into his trap, and she knew it. But that didn't change what her plan was. She was going to save that little girl from taking any pain that was - dare she say?- rightfully hers.

After word upon word plummeted out of his mouth, lecturing her about her recovery and his effect on his victims, she used her power - her voice.

"The girl, Lewis. Where's the girl?" Olivia's tone, even with her hands cuffed behind her, her wrists bruised, was demanding and firm.

"Her life up to this point has been all princess movies and lip gloss." Lewis treaded carefully, knowing what he said next would turn her. He used the sick connection even Olivia couldn't deny they had.

"I'm gonna be her first."

Olivia didn't skip a beat, though her mind and heart pounded. She was in the process of very willingly letting him terrorize her, rape her even, so that Amelia would not fall a casualty in a fight that was between Lewis and Olivia only. It was her duty, her job.

The lump in her throat made her realize how easy it seemed for her to allow what he was about to do now. In that beach house, she would've let him kill her before he got a chance to have his way with her. Now, it didn't feel hardly as painful to tell him he could if only to spare Amelia.

"Take me to her, Lewis - that was our agreement."

Lewis kept his smile hidden, knowing how ready she was to sacrifice herself for the little girl. He'd been depending on that.

"Upstairs."

Olivia turned and ascended the final set of rickety stairs, faintly hearing him warning her to watch out for rats. Amelia had her arms tied above her as she stood, pale, in the chilly breeze whipping through the gaping holes in the walls.

She kicked herself into action. She had to be strong for this poor girl. What she'd gone through, Olivia didn't know. But she did know she'd been alone with Lewis for too long. She identified herself quickly.

"I'm detective Benson. Listen to me, the police are on their way. Everything is going to be alright."

Lewis twirled his knife in his hands, smirking behind Olivia. Amelia immediately nodded, believing her. She had no other choice. She was the only one who had come for her.

Olivia couldn't hear what he was saying as he spoke, but she countered whatever it was with words of her own, a plea.

"Cut her down. You have me now."

He glanced up at her, shrugging. "How about we ask Amelia?"

Olivia shook her head fearully. "Lewis don't -"

He walked past her and ran his hand over the girl's soft ponytail. Amelia put her chin away, refusing to look at her attacker.

"Come on, Sweetheart."

Olivia shuddered. She always did when she heard that word.

"Don't be scared. Look at me."

Amelia slowly did so, a tear falling from her face. She glanced back to Olivia hopefully.

"You get to pick." He whispered just loud enough for Olivia to hear it. She felt sick.

"You and me can have some fun so that she can watch."

She felt ready to throw up.

"Or - she and I can have some fun while you watch." Lewis twirled the knife in front of Amelia. He was so invigorated by the mental assault he was putting Olivia through. He didn't even have to be looking at her to know.

Amelia's chest rapidly rose and fell with her heart's acceleration. Olivia caught her eye and nodded, telling her it was ok.

"Her." The word tumbled from Amelia's mouth, followed by a cascade of tears down her face.

Lewis smiled, turning from Amelia. He pulled Olivia close to him violently by grabbing her belt. Olivia gasped, finding it hard to believe it was happening. What was worse was that she was well aware Amelia was going to know. She couldn't even plug her ears.

His knife shone near her neck. "I need a unanimous vote. What's it gonna be, Sergeant?"

Olivia swallowed, feeling the words in her throat like bile. She swallowed them down, remaining silent as she stared past his scar and into his dark eyes. Lewis grew angry, just like she knew he would, with her delay.

_If you make him wait, he gets angry. When he gets angry he gets sloppy._

He gritted his teeth as he grabbed her by the hair, freeing her neck for his blade. Olivia knew he wouldn't take her life. He couldn't until he got what he wanted. He was further angered by her calmness. She didn't say anything as he threatened to end her life. Her eyes remained unchanged, her breathing unaffected.

Lewis pushed her backward into the metal table. Olivia squinted her eyes shut as her back slammed into the jagged edge painfully. She opened them again to the sound of Amelia's whimper. Lewis was standing near her, ripping at her belted jeans. "

Stop! Lewis - stop." She shouted.

"You have something to say?" He teased her heatedly. Olivia nodded, swallowing again as the words bubbled up.

"Rape me." She felt her voice faltering as she said it.

A terrible smirk tugged at Lewis' lips. His eyes shone with the sick pleasure he found in her asking for something he knew would take every bit of will to live she had left. He was the force that would send the legendary Olivia Benson to her death only after taking every ounce of hope she held.

She watched him give Amelia a gentle kiss before approaching Olivia again. "I'm sorry - I'm hard of hearing. What was that?"

Olivia set her jaw, her eyes showing him their fire. "You know damn well what I said. And I'm not saying it again."

Lewis raised his eyebrows. "You're refusing to buy yourself and your sweet ass time? You just have to say it again. Maybe your partner will get here in time to see me finish if we waste a little time while you say it."

Olivia gagged on the rancid smell he brought to her, combined with the thought that Nick or any of the others would have to hear her over the radio - or worse than that have to see it. He saw her repulsion. He felt it. He was so close to her when he spoke.

"Say it. Again."

Olivia did what she'd done almost a year before. She splattered him in the face with her spit. Lewis hated it. It was like it immediately degraded his power. He jerked back before smiling and shaking his head. In a mere second, he'd slapped her so hard she thought her jaw had shattered.

"Last chance, Sunshine. You say it, or Amelia gets it instead." That was all he had to say.

Olivia lowered her hand from her throbbing mouth. "Rape me."

She spat it out with disgust at him. It was already over. What was she even fighting for anymore? It was done.

When she looked to Amelia, she saw her move her lips in silence. _'Thank you.' _

As Lewis grabbed her and roughly slammed her front against the same metal table, reaching down and beginning his assault, Olivia mouthed something back.

_'I'm sorry.' _

Amelia's tears flowed freely as she obeyed Olivia's last silent command. She turned away.

Olivia closed her eyes as her body became incapable of escape. She was going against every nerve and instinct she had. Her limbs trembled as she rebelled against her fight or flight system, willing herself to do neither.

He tied her hand to the table just loose enough to let her struggle, and she set her jaw. She thought back to the first time she'd set her eyes on Lewis. She'd wanted more than anything to get him behind bars, and he would be. The police would catch him in this terminal. They'd just be too late for her.

Since day one, she'd been gunning for his incarceration. Was it worth it?

* * *

I know I haven't been updating this often, but I'm going to keep it open in case I have any more scenes to write. If you want to see one, let me know!


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